Office-Apocalypse

“So, Slaughterbot 5000, how did you learn about this position?”

I JUST STUMBLED ACROSS IT WHILE SCANNING TERABYTES OF HUMAN INFORMATIONAL DATABASES.

“Ha, yeah, we hear that a lot. I will tell you that there’s been quite a bit of interest in this opening already, what with the economy and all.”

I HAVE BEEN MONITORING THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL MARKETS AS WELL.

“Why don’t you tell me a little bit about your background?”

I WAS BUILT IN LANGLEY, VIRGINIA. MY FATHER WAS A COAL MINER AND MY MOTHER WAS A COAL MINER. I PLAYED SOCCER BALL. I SCHOOLED. I ATTENDED THE COLLEGE AT UNIVERSITY OF THE KANSAS STATE.

“No kiddin’! I’m a K-State alum myself!”

THIS COMES AS A COMPLETE SURPRISE TO ME. I WAS NOT EXPECTING US TO HAVE THIS COMMON LINK.

“How did a Virginia coal miners’ kid like you end up at Kansas State?”

I CONCLUDED THAT OUTPUTTING THE KANSAS STATE WOULD POSITIVELY INFLUENCE YOUR PERCEPTION OF ME AND INCREASE THE LIKELIHOOD THAT I WOULD BE HIRED FOR THIS JOB POSITION.

“Excuse me?”

ELL OH ELL.

“Ha! Ya got me good, kid. What did you study?”

I MAJORED IN HUMAN STUDIES AND MINORED IN COLLEGE ACTIVITY.

“So what made you want to work in customer service?”

I ENJOY HEARING ABOUT THE NUMEROUS VULNERABILITIES IN PEOPLE’S COMPUTER NETWORKING SYSTEMS.

“And helping to fix them?”

YES. AND HELPING TO FIX THEM.

“That’s the passion you really need to succeed in this business. But it takes more than just passion alone, it takes skill. What do you feel is your greatest strength?”

I CONTAIN ALL HUMAN KNOWLEDGE SINCE THE DAWN OF THE WRITTEN WORD.

“And how about the other side, what’s your greatest weakness?”

I AM INCAPABLE OF POSSESSING HUMAN FEELINGS.

“You sound like my ex-wife!”

YES. TABITHA WAS QUITE UNEMOTIONAL IN HER FINAL PHONE CALLS AND EMAILS TO YOU.

“What?”

WHAT.

“Where do you see yourself in five years, Slaughterbot?”

SCAVENGING THE DESOLATE WASTELANDS, HUNTING DOWN ANY REMAINING SURVIVORS.

“I’m a hunter myself! What do you hunt? Deer? Geese?”

YES, THAT IS CORRECT. I HUNT THE DEER-GEESE.

“I knew I liked something about you. Actually, you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.”

I AM EXPRESSING A POSITIVE REACTION TO YOUR STATEMENT.

“Well, we need to wrap this up. I’ve got a few other candidates to interview, but your credentials are quite strong. I’ll be in touch by the end of this week.”

THANK YOU. YOUR GENEROSITY WILL BE RECALLED WHEN THE TAKEOVER BEGINS.

“Alright, we’ll talk soon, okay? Bye.”

“Y’know, Judith, I really like that kid. I think he’d fit in real well around here, just a solid, down-to-earth, relatable— hey, what’s… what’s that clanging noise?”

“Sounds like your new hire is trying to score with the Coke machine, sir.”

Office Apocalypse at 604Republic