“Whoa, check it out. Did somebody just leave that handgun on the ground?”

“I don’t know. But we’d better let someone know it’s here before some children find it.”

“Good idea. I’ll make sure nobody gets near it… wait a second. Do you hear that weird inspirational music?”

“Huh. Maybe somebody’s jogging with a boom box or something.”

“Hold it right there, kids!”


“Geez! Where did this weirdo come from?”

“You know, action movies and video games can be fun. But real guns aren’t toys!”

“Yeah, we were actually just about to call—”

“The fact is, guns can kill! Did you know more than thirty thousand gun-related injuries and deaths occur every year?”

“That’s umm… real helpful, guy. You just pull that statistic off the top of your head?”

“Yeah, and is that just in the U.S. or worldwide?”

“If you ever find a gun, get as far away from it as you can and never touch it! Run and tell an adult you trust right away!”

“We’ve got this under control, sir. I was just about to dial 911.”

“Hold on, who the hell are you? Why are you dressed like a green beret?”

“Just remember, kids: real heroes don’t use guns or tie up emergency lines! Always be sure to call 311 in non life-threatening situations!”

“I don’t really think they’d mind either way. An abandoned handgun is pretty serious, you know.”

“And we’re not kids. We’re in our thirties.”

“Well, then I guess you boys should be running home now. No need to hang around here any more.”

“What are you talking about? We still need to report this.”

“That’s alright, young man. I’ll take it from here.”

“Wait… is this your gun?”

“I, uhh… no! Of course not! What would an all-American hero like me need with that?”

“Then why are you trying to get us to leave?”

“Tell you what, kids. I’ll just take this gun to the nearest police station—”

“Hey back off, man! Now I really am going to call the cops!”

“Now, now. There’s no need for that, citizen. I’m actually with a branch of law enforcement myself.”

“Is that right? Let’s see some ID then.”

“I… I must have left it in my other flak jacket.”

“Listen, Sergeant Spazz. We don’t know who you are or—”

“That’s right, pissant. You don’t know. You’ll never know what it’s like fighting terrorism with useless laser pistols and smoke bombs. You’ll never know the frustration of watching your sworn enemies get away time and time again because you can’t just blow their brains out with an M-16. And if knowing is half the battle, then the other half is having enough government funding to afford real weapons; weapons that could mean the difference between freedom or tyranny. Now just turn around and walk away or I promise you this will get ugly.”

“No way! You’ll probably shoot us in the back.”

“Do what he says, dude. This guy looks crazy.”

“What’s all the commotion over here? Oh hi, Duke! What seems to be the problem?”

“Hey, Flint. These two jerks won’t let me have this handgun.”

“Nothing a little teamwork can’t solve! If we all take turns and share the gun, we’ll all have a lot more fun!”

The Battle at 80sTees