Hello there. I’m martial arts expert/professional actor/Total Gym spokesman/fitness entrepreneur/right-wing conservative/mega philanthropist/internet meme superstar Chuck Norris. And I’m leaning in a manly fashion against this corral fence to talk about an issue that’s close to my heart.

You know, I’ve traveled all over this great nation of ours. And between my many product pitches and extreme jetpack rides, I manage to work up quite an appetite. That’s why every one of my seven daily meals is comprised chiefly of all-natural, grass-fed unicorn.

Did you know unicorn has more protein per ounce than USDA choice beef? Or that it has more omega-3 oils in one serving than in an entire Alaskan salmon? And did you know that a unicorn’s horn contains cures for all forms of cancer and the gay gene?

Now I’m no politician, but it seems to me our liberal-plagued government should be spending less time invested in alternative fuels and more time distributing grants designed to promote the ranching, raising, and mainstreaming of these majestic creatures.

Back in 1982 when I rescued the last two unicorns from Uruguay, I’ve been working tirelessly to reintroduce these magically delicious beasts to the American ecosystem. With the help of the Republican party and my good friend, Mike Huckabee, we’ve been able to grow the herd to more than one thousand strong. But we’ve still got a long ways to go before you’ll see unicorn burgers at the Steak and Shake.

That’s why I’ve started the Chuck Norris Horns for Hombres Foundation. Do your part and donate your basement, garage, or guest room to help a third-world rancher establish their very own fair-trade unicorn micro ranch. You’ll be helping a family in need, advancing our nation’s health care, and feeding hungry American upper-class all with a simple phone call.

Now is the time to reclaim our nation’s greatness. Please give generously and be a part of the great unicorn revitalization. Pledge now and you’ll receive this exclusive Chun Kuk Do workout DVD and gym bag. Operators are standing by. Because I don’t pay them to sit around.

We live in the future. Don’t you think we should eat like it? Call the Horns for Hombres Foundation today.

Paid for by Controversial Farmers of America.

ΒΆ Unicorns Chuck Norris at 80sTees