DR. PHIL: Welcome back. If ya’ll are just joining us, we’ve been talking to a very brave little girl and her struggle with prepubescent gender crisis. Her name is Zelda and she is the princess of a land called Hyrule. Did I pronounce that right, Zelda?

ZELDA: Phil, I don’t usually talk this much but I’m going to try to make one thing clear: My name is not Zelda. I’ve mentioned this to your producer several times. I’ve even asked your chyron operator to change the graphic so that my name doesn’t appear as “Zelda” on national television like it is right now. For the last time, my name is Link.

DR. PHIL: I see. So this “Link” character of yours… he’s a boy?

ZELDA: I am, for lack of a better word, a boy. Yes.

DR. PHIL: Mmm hmm. Let’s talk about your newest game, shall we?

ZELDA: Yes, please. That would be a great change of pace, Phil.

DR. PHIL: Here’s the game right here. Tell me, what’s the title say?

ZELDA: It’s called “The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword”. This was actually a really fun project to work on. I remember one day we…

DR. PHIL: And this is you pictured on the cover? This is “Link”?

ZELDA: Ummm… yeah.

DR. PHIL: So how do you explain the title? Why isn’t this game called “The Legend of Link”? I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, Zelda, but nobody’s buying your dog and Epona show here.

ZELDA: Look—I can buy that people who don’t play “Zelda” games confuse me as the title character. I’ll even admit I’m a bit feminine at times. But I’m out there every single day dungeon crawling and collecting bugs and playing mini games. That diva Zelda only makes an appearance at the beginning and end of every one of my games, and guess who gets their name on the franchise? It’s not like I’m solely responsible for keeping Hyrule from getting sucked into some parallel dimension or being taken over by Gannondorf. Nobody ever thinks he’s a girl. Maybe I should try to grow a beard…

DR. PHIL: On that topic, what are your thoughts on Gannondorf recently coming out as a cross dresser and calling himself Trannydorf?

ZELDA: I’m sorry. Can we restart this interview from the beginning, or do you people use checkpoints?

Zelda is the Girl at BustedTees