Well, readers, if you thought last week’s review of Skip Church’s Bistro was the oddest culinary flop along Newport Beach, think again. The self-proclaimed “hip new coffee shop”, Gobias Industries, takes failure to a whole new level.

I arrived on the morning of their grand opening. But before even entering the restaurant itself, I was assailed by what appeared to be a giant bipedal cup of coffee calling himself “Mr. Coffee Grabber”. He proceeded to spill a tray of piping hot coffee samples down my blouse, and then asked if I’d like to try one. I can only attribute this poor first impression to the costume’s unwieldy gloved hands and lack of properly cut eyeholes. But an explanation of his faux pas instead spurred the mascot to reply, “Geez, lady. You’re only supposed to take one.”

I was next kept from entering the coffee shop by a public display of what some may call “magic”. A man dressed as Jesus of Nazareth, complete with false beard and robe, was making a puzzling attempt to change wine into coffee while blaring “The Final Countdown” by Europe. The only miracle I witnessed was the surprisingly few number of spectators burned as a result of this debacle.

Having finally been permitted to enter the building, I understood why the proprietors felt the distractions necessary. A line of at least fifty disgruntled customers lined the interior, while a single bald man ran the counter. The next forty five minutes in line gave me an opportunity to examine the decor, (mostly tables covered in headshots and glitter), and peruse the countless varieties of caffeinated horrors that Gobias Industries had to offer. I spotted a vodka flavored latte, something called “Hot Ham Water”, and a 72-ounce espresso dubbed simply “The Gob”. I also noticed a list of inappropriately named baked goods before deciding to stick to coffee.

When at long last I arrived at the register, I was awkwardly greeted as a “fellow coffee hipster” and asked, (and I quote), “What dark, silky pleasures await you this morn, good lady?” I was speechless. The man took my silence as an opportunity to recommended the sampler platter. As I had already experienced an entire platter of samples in the parking lot, I quickly declined and asked for a small, regular coffee. I was handed a cup of lukewarm water with a dusting of instant coffee grounds arranged around the saucer.

With my order in hand, I found a seat and tried to assemble my own cup of coffee without the use of a spoon or stirring stick. Needless to say, I fulfilled my duty as a critic and sampled the coffee. I took one sip before discarding it.

As I hurriedly left, I noticed Gobias Industries’ slogan above the door, “As in Go Buy Us Some Coffee!” Perhaps someone should go buy them coffee—from a competitor.

I give Gobias Industries a solid “no stars” and a first place spot on my list of California’s Must-Flee Eateries. Hopefully I’ll have a better experience next week visiting Wee Britain and Fat Ammy’s American Style Restaurant. Until then, readers: stay healthy and stay hungry.

Gobias Industries at BustedTees