It’s time for the adventures of Reporter Man! By night, a simple superpowered champion for good. By day (and sometimes weekends), he transforms into the unstoppable Reporter Man. Faster than a speeding bulletin, more powerful than a four o’clock deadline, able to transcribe entire interviews in a single sitting! It’s a columnist… it’s a correspondent… it’s Reporter Man!

Last week, we left our hero chasing a lead for a breakaway box detailing the local opinion of a recent same-sex marriage ruling. When suddenly, Reporter Man receives an urgent call from Editor-in-Chief Perry Beige.

“Reporter Man! We’ve gotten a scoop that a local politician is monologuing about his sordid personal life… and there’s no one around to milk it into a two-page spread!”

“Don’t worry, Chief! I’m on my way!”

[wind whooshing]

In a flash, Reporter Man is off in his trusty Kia Spectra. He arrives at the scene mere moments before the elected official in question wraps up a dramatic soliloquy.

“Hahahaha! Nobody will ever expose me, a married man of twelve years, for having an affair with my underage secretary. Hahahaha!”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!”

[trumpet fanfare]

“Gadzooks! It’s beat reporter Kenneth Clarksdale! No, please! Have mercy!”

“You leave me little choice, immoral cretin. Perhaps my enormous flashbulb camera will put an end to your depraved shenanigans while simultaneously informing the general public through the wonders of photojournalism.”

“Argh! My campaign for re-election has been sullied. Curse you Reporter Man! Curse you and your heightened sense of civic duty!”

“Don’t curse me, soon-to-be-former District 13 Representative. Curse the insatiable American addiction to 24-hour live news. Also, could you spell your last name for me please?”

Next week on the adventures of Reporter Man…

“Help! I’m a famous pop singer who’s recently gained weight and is wearing an outfit I have no business in! Who will chronicle this breaking tabloid fodder?”

“Reporter Man awaaaaaay!”

ΒΆ Businessman at BustedTees