“Alright, everyone, I think we’ll go ahead and begin. Just a reminder—FYI—what we’re doing today is not an intervention. Okay? This is a mutual get-together, so that means no one person is at fault. Don’t roll your eyes, Mr. Jackal. We are going to try to peacefully reconcile some differences here, okay? This is what I like to call an ‘Inter-Session’.”

“You mean ‘intercession’? Isn’t that pretty much synonymous with ‘intervention’, Randall?”

“Let’s not get nasty, Honey Badger. I’m just trying to lighten the mood a smidge, okay? Also, you’ve reminded me—I am to be referred to as ‘Inter-Session Counselor’ today. My job here is to listen to everyone’s opinions and thoughts and stuff, and then I’ll try to smooth out any rough patches we may have. Any questions?”

“Yeah, I got one. I was told there’d be free cobras and bees. So… what the hell, man?”

“Okay, once again, Honey Badger, there’s no need to get nasty. We purposefully didn’t invite the cobras and bees because they feel—”

“What do you mean ‘we’? You mean you and Falcon and Jackal, right?”

“This meeting was set up by concerned so-and-sos who wish to remain anonymous. Okay?”

“I can’t believe you dorks set this up.”

“Now, Honey Badger, this isn’t an interven—”

“Dude shut up, Randall. Why are you here, Falcon? Huh? They promise you free mice? How about you, Jackal? Yeah, didn’t think so. Looks like I’m the only chump in the room.”

“Okay, fine. Yes, Honey Badger, we all have issues with your behavior lately, okay?”

“What the hell are you talkin’ about? If you guys have a problem, just grow a pair and tell me. But no. You go and organize a little hug circle. Totally lame.”

“Well, Honey Badger, your friends would have come to you personally. But frankly, there is a real possibility you would have just eaten them. Were they wrong to assume that?”

“Aw come on, Falcon! You know I wouldn’t have bothered eating you. Hardly any meat on you, pal. Jackal, maybe. But only if you were sleeping, man. Not if you came to talk. I swear.”

“Look, Honey Badger. I speak for everyone when I say that you’ve been acting like a real ass. You’ve dug up everyone’s dens looking for cobras, you’ve been chasing animals off their territory for no reason, and the whole neighborhood has suffered because of your constant and reckless pursuit of bee houses. What do you have to say for yourself, mister?”

“Wow. Gee, guys. I didn’t know that’s how everybody felt. I guess I really haven’t regarded your feelings much lately.”

“Well that’s great to hear, Honey Badger. Falcon and Jackal have some prepared letters to read if you’d care to listen.”

“Are there cobras and bees afterwards?”

“Well… not exactly. But we thought you could—”

“Then Honey Badger don’t care, guys. No sir. Honey Badger don’t give a shit. Good day.”

Honey Badger at BustedTees