Hey, great job! Great job, Sidekicks! Bring it in, guys! Huddle up! Alright! Hey, not bad for a match against a Sci-Fi Division team! We almost got a touchdown this time!

Mad Martigan, what can I say, man? You had a great arm today! Am I right guys? How’s the knee feeling, Marty? You feel better? That’s great! I love your enthusiasm! We’ll need it next week. In fact, we’re going to need everyone playing a hundred and ten percent next week. You’ve seen the schedule—those Tolkien Titans are going to be tough.

Now now, Puddleglum. There’s no reason to be a pessimist about it. We’ve faced Main Protagonist teams in the past and I think we have a pretty good chance. We just need to tighten up a little bit before then. Everyone could use a little improvement here or there.

Take old Gurgi here. A great wide receiver, great hands. We just need to work on coordination a little. Right, guy? Yes, Gurgi, and then it’ll be time for crunchings and munchings. Don’t worry your poor tender head about it.

And Rock Biter over here—one of the best defensive tackles in the Minor Character Conference. You just need to watch your step and really focus on squashing players on the other team. And next time, let’s leave the giant stone Big Wheel at home, okay big guy?

But seriously, I look around this locker room and see a lot of talent! I do! Sure the Titans just signed on Smaug, but we’ve got our own dragon! Magellan, you’ve come a long way from the castle, buddy. And I know you’re made mostly of plush foam, but you’re the toughest Hawaiian shirt-wearing guy I’ve ever seen!

Is something funny back there, Peeves? You have something to share? You might be a great tight end but that’s no excuse for your behavior lately. And I want you to stop picking on Edward. He’s not technically a minor character, I know, but no one else will take him so let’s do our best to make him feel like part of the team.

Oh, and before I forget, Edward: If you could try to keep the sparkling down to a minimum, you might have more opportunities to stay open for a pass. I know those linemen look at you and think “Hail Mary”, you know what I mean?

And while we’re on the topic of coverage: Murlock and Skeksis. I know you two aren’t the only ones who do this, but today I noticed a lot of running aimlessly around the field making your respective… noises. That might cut it in the Muppet League, but we’re the Sidekicks. You guys have great hustle, but try to stay on your man from here on out, okay?

Okay! Before I wrap up I want to give a shout out to my man Tom “The Bomb” Bombadil. You played great today, Tommy. A bit heavy on the wandering prose but a great game. Oh, and I want you to stick by Vizzini this week, Tom. Show him the ropes. The kid’s got heart but his fundamentals are a bit inconceivable.

All right, thanks guys! Hit the showers and I’ll see you at the gym in the morning! Gooooo Sidekicks!

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