Beard-Ruler

May I have everyone’s attention please? Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of the American Bearded Guild and the Scruffies Nomination Committee, it is my honor to announce that the judges have tallied the votes. We will now present the evening’s awards.

But before we begin, let me extend another enormous thank you to all of our donors tonight. Because of your generous gifts, folliculitis will soon be a thing of the past.

Our Lifetime Achievement Award this evening goes to a man of no little repute. He was portrayed by such greats as Conrad Veigt in The Thief of Bagdad and voiced to perfection by Jonathan Freeman in two feature-length films and the Kingdom Hearts series. His beard preference, while slight in its facial range, is nonetheless a length to be reckoned with.

The ABG is proud to honor this candidate, who has committed his life to showy and ostentatious facial hair. Measuring in, uncurled, at nine and seven eighths inches, the Lifetime Achievement Scruffy goes to the beast from the East… Jafar!

(Applause)

We should also mention that Mr. Jafar received an honorary doctorate last year in Applied Pencil Moustache Sciences from Brown University. Congratulations again, sir.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: It is finally time to present the coveted Scruffy Award for exceptional presentation of facial hair. Each year, the American Bearded Guild meticulously measures applicants based on breadth, length and depth of facial hair grown from below the lower lip. These grueling standards and practices weed out all but the finest and fullest of bearded individuals.

This year’s Scruffy nominees are:

Billy Gibbons, lead guitarist of rock band ZZ Top.

(Applause)

James Capen ‘Grizzly’ Adams, renowned mountain man and grizzly bear trainer.

(Applause)

Gimli son of Glóin, feared warrior and decorated soldier of Middle-earth.

(Applause)

Charles Darwin, esteemed naturalist and evolution theorist.

(Applause)

And finally, the ABG’s reigning champion… the Insatiable Saint, the Big White Furry from the Big White Flurry… Santa Claus!

(Applause)

The envelope, please.

(Drumroll)

And the winner of the thirty-fourth annual Scruffy Award goes to…

Keanu Reeves!? Ah, for the love of… Reeves switched the envelope again! Roy, get security on code red, full lock down. We’ve got a ‘patchwork beard’ in the building. I repeat: ‘Patches’ is in the building!

Beard Ruler at BustedTees