Gentlemen, I think you know why I’ve called you all here today. America is going to war.

We all know that President Wilson campaigned on American isolationism. Who can forget his rallying cry for “four more turns of peace”? Isn’t that the American dream? Just spend our days stockpiling armies? Well, we’ve just received a message that will change everything.

Before this, our encounters with the Central powers have been relatively minor, Lusitania notwithstanding. But our British allies intercepted a wire from Germany to Mexico—yes, Mexico—asking them to pre-emptively attack our southern border to keep us away from Europe.

I know we’ve had a long-standing peace with Mexico, but they’re one turn away from turning in cards, and a surprise attack of that magnitude is a risk we cannot take. It’s been decided, men: We’re entering the Great War.

Now, the Allies would have you believe that the western front is the key to this battle. Admiral Fisher and the Royal Navy would love to have some American reinforcements in his skirmishes. But Lady Liberty takes orders from no Brit. While Wilhelm rolls snake-eyes against the Allies in Western Europe, the best opportunity lies on the Eastern Front.

Our success lies in taking the Ukraine.

The Ukraine is weak. Austria-Hungary has moved their defenses to the west and that socialist Lenin just pulled his red armies out of the way. If we wait any longer, the Central Powers may take all of Europe and get their full bonus. If you don’t like the Kaiser now, just wait till you see what he does with five extra armies.

The time for talk is over; now we must act. Gentlemen, it’s a game of global domination, and America is on the attack.

The Ukraine is Weak at BustedTees