Good evening and welcome to another exciting sportscast live from beautiful Arney Horse and Tack Arena in Branson, Missouri. As ever, I am Reginald D. Merriweather, your faithful commentator and you are tuned in to Monday Night Fisticuffs: Uncouth.

Tonight’s main event promises to be quite the rout, as previewed at this morning’s weigh-in. As you may recall, Jonathan “Pitstop” Tate, the evening’s favored to win, claimed to have had multiple couplings with contender Jackson “Firebrand” Fox’s young confidante, Sherry Silver, as well as his adoptive mother. Needless to say, Firebrand has been quite put off by this shocking announcement and has promised appropriate retribution should he find these allegations to indeed be true.

Ah, but now the lights are dimming here in the Arney Dome and it looks as if Firebrand Fox is making an entrance. Yes there he is, sporting his trademarked steel worker boots and blue collared attire. Quite the modest proletariat, isn’t he? Regardless of Pitstop’s harsh comments earlier, Firebrand seems to be in high spirits tonight, as reflected in his musical selection; Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” I believe it is. Oh, and there are the fireworks. Lovely, as always. The crowd really seems to be behind him tonight. Jolly good show, indeed.

But what’s this? Good lord! It seems Pitstop Tate has entered the arena prematurely and is making a blatant stratagem to sabotage Firebrand’s exhibition! The crowd is calling out to an oblivious-looking Firebrand, attempting to warn him of the impending danger. But, oh! It seems he looked a moment too late and received the full brunt of an ironically-wielded six pack of Old Glory Tallboys from Tate! Quite the dastardly maneuver, indeed!

Firebrand has been brought to his knees and is nursing what appears to be quite a serious head wound. Pitstop is sauntering down towards him now, relishing in the moment as the fans jeer. It looks as if Pitstop has produced a microphone from somewhere on his person and is preparing to address the crowd as he unceremoniously places one boot on his opponent’s stooped form.

But, oh my! There’s some commotion at the opposite end of the ring. It looks like— it is! Sherry Silver herself has made a grand entrance and has challenged Pitstop to fisticuffs! Oh good show, Miss Silver! Pitstop, however, appears to find this all incredibly amusing and has reverted to contemptuous laughter, much to the audience’s disapproval. The two are now exchanging heated words from across the arena as they slowly make their respective ways to the ring.

Pitstop is ducking beneath the ropes now and— goodness gracious! It seems Firebrand has been helped to his feet by long-time rival Stan “The Man” Mansfield! The two have locked forearms in a lion-hearted camaraderie while Pitstop looks on with an acute apprehension. Ladies and gentlemen at home, the fans here are simply beside themselves! Will Pitstop Tate be forced to do battle with not one, but three of his most bitter enemies? Stay tuned to find out after this advert from our friends at X-Scream Energy Beverages!

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