Youre-Not-My-Type

In honor of Valentine’s Day past and for your reading pleasure, ThreadFiction presents ten epic pop culture breakups.

1. R is for Rejection
Zoe: I’m sorry, I really am. I just… I think I’m looking for someone a bit more… masculine. Does that make any sense?
Elmo: Elmo can change! Elmo can start going to the gym with Herry Monster!
Zoe: Oooh… yeah, about Herry…

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turmoil
Casey: Hey, babe. Tough day?
April: I’ve been transferred to L.A.. I’m leaving in the morning.
Casey: Hey, hold on! Can’t you talk to the network?
April: I was the one who requested the transfer.
Casey: Wait, what?
April: Ever since we’ve been going out, all you do is eat my food and stink up my apartment. Every time I threaten to kick you out, you suddenly have to go fight crime somewhere. I’m done, Jones. Goodbye.
Casey: Aw, man! Now I gotta crash with the turtles. They don’t even get cable!

3. A Royal Pardon
Zelda: So I’ve been meaning to talk to you about social and economic classes.
Link: …
Zelda: Yes, so I’m what you would call “high-born” because I’m descended from royalty.
Link: …
Zelda: And you… well, you don’t even have parents, do you? That’s even lower than being a commoner.
Link: …
Zelda: What I’m trying to say is, thank you for saving my life but I think we should see other people.
Link: HYAH!

4. You’ve Lost That Lycanthropy Feeling
Aela: I just can’t do this any more! I need to hunt!
Dovahkiin: But the children need you here!
Aela: You bring home two kids you meet on the street and just expect me to play housewife? Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to eat them?
Dovahkiin: See, this is why you should just cure yourself already!
Aela: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I’m going to Jorrvaskr. And don’t even think about fast traveling there ahead of me or I’ll perform the Black Sacrament on your ass!

5. The Great Muppet Divorce Paper
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie! I need to see the world! I need to be free! I’m afraid, my dear, that we are… fini!
Kermit: YAY!

6. Cry Me a Riverrun
Joffrey: …and then, when I’ve cut off your brother’s head and placed it next to your father’s, I do believe I will hold an archery tourney to see who can knock them off the Red Keep wall. I think Winterfell would make a suitable first prize.
Sansa: Okay, you know what? I don’t care if you do kill me. You’re a pompous little aberration and I hope your death is slow and agonizing!
Joffery: I’m telling! Mother!

7. End of the Rainbow Road
Dear Mario,
I feel like I should come clean about something. I haven’t been getting kidnapped by Bowser all these years. The truth is, we’ve been having an on-again, off-again relationship all this time and I’ve been running off with him. Each of our abscondings has produced a Koopaling and I finally feel it’s my responsibility to raise our love-children. Needless to say, please don’t try rescuing me any more. I know this must be hard for you so I’ve baked you a cake.
Sincerely,
Peach

8. The Spurn of the King
Aragorn: Eowyn… why have you come?
Eowyn: Do you not know?
Aragorn: It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek. I have wished you joy since first I saw you.
Eowyn: Wow. You’re good.

9. Planet-tears
Linka: I just need a little space. Really, Ma-Ti. It’s me, not you.
Ma-Ti: It’s because I embody the powers of caring, sympathy, and compassion isn’t it?
Linka: No. It’s mostly because you’re twelve.
Ma-Ti: Oh, I see how it is. You like the jock types. You probably want to date Kwame or Wheeler, don’t you?
Linka: Actually, I—
Gi: Hey, Linka. Ready for our movie night?

10. Seperate Ways of the Force
Leia: Are you feeling any better?
Han: Great actually! The hibernation sickness has almost completely worn off. Hey, thanks again for rescuing me. You and Lando must’ve gone through a lot to get me outta there.
Leia: …Yeah. We should talk about that.
Han: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

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