“Good day, gentle sirs, and welcome to the Democratic-Republican Ticket Presidential Debates. I am Former Secretary of Treasury Alexander Hamilton and I will be your impartial mediator for the evening. To my left is statesman, family man, and American visionary Thomas Jefferson.”

“It is my great pleasure to be here, Mr. Hamilton.”

“Likewise, Mr. Secretary of State. And to my left is Aaron ‘Bat-Fowl’ Burr, seat-stealing senator and clay-brained hugger-mugger.”

“What, what!? How dare you, Hamilton!”

“Now now, Senator. I’m merely quoting our beloved Former President Washington’s own words. There’s no need to take offense.”

“Why you bootless churl! Impartial mediator, my eye!”

“If you’re quite finished, Mr. Burr, I’d like to begin the debate.”


“Now, Mr. Jefferson. I understand the drafting of the Declaration of Independence— the document that single-handedly liberated our great nation from the tyranny of England— was entirely of your doing.”

“That is correct, Mr. Hamilton.”

“Quite commendable, sir. A true purveyor of freedom. And Mr. Burr, is it true you staged an affair with and eventually wed the shriveled old widow of a Redcoat officer?”

“Hamilton, you dewberry! That is completely irrelevant to my campaign for presidency!”

“Perhaps to an English-loving freedom hater, it is.”

“Confound it all, Hamilton! This is a debate, not a roast!”

“Very well then. Mr. Jefferson, why do you think you should be this young nation’s third president?”

“Because I believe in growth, Mr. Hamilton. If I am elected president, I shall work toward expanding the territories of these United States through tactful acquisition and intelligent purchasing.”

“An inspiring strategy, sir. Mr. Burr, same question.”

“As president, it will be my intent from day one to rectify the current crisis of electoral deadlock by amending—”

“Amending the Constitution? That’s a suspiciously Federalist mentality. Are you sure you shouldn’t be on the incumbent’s side, Mr. Burr?”

“Allow me to finish, you tardy-gaited mammet!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Burr, but your time is up. Mr. Jefferson, final thoughts?”

“A vote for Thomas Jefferson is a vote for strong southern agriculture and fortified naval fleets. Also, I would never dream of amending our nation’s sacred Constitution. Ever.”

“Very commendable, sir. Mr. Burr?”

“A vote for Aaron Burr is a vote against flirt-gilled ninny-muggins such as Hamilton who would rather develop northern banking interests and pursue personal vendettas than speak civilly about the issues.”

“Thank you gentle sirs. And speaking of issues, join us for the next debate when we’ll be discussing Mr. Burr’s rejection from the Continental Army officer’s corps.”

“You son of a bitch! I’ll kill you!”

High Noon at the Hudson at Headline Shirts