Muppantones

“Pardon me, Sweetums. Could you help me with something please?”

“Oh what is it now, Snuffy? Can’t ya see I’m delousin’ myself?”

“It’s these continuity charts. I’m afraid I went and forgot which is which again.”

“Aw fer cryin’ out loud! Ya couldn’t tell a Gorg from a Doozer!”

“Gee I’m sorry, Sweetums. I sure would appreciate it if you reminded me again.”

“Well listen up ’cause I ain’t sayin’ it again — Muppet swatches are on the left, Sesame Street on the right. Now don’t forget it! The CTW’s already got you on probation fer mixin’ up Grover and Cookie Monster’s Clairol boxes!”

“Oh no, Sweetums. I don’t wanna cause any trouble. Bird said I could keep my pension if I took this job.”

“Aw look, pal. I didn’t mean to be hard on ya. Us enormous hairy characters gotta stick together, ya know. Lemme show ya a little trick. See those letters in the corner of every swatch?”

“Gee. I thought watches had numbers.”

“Not ‘watch’, ya long-lashed nincompoop! ‘Swatch’! Those little color boxes!”

“Oooooh. Now I see.”

“Ya can tell which is which by what letters they got. See here? This one has ‘MS’ for ‘Muppet Standard’. That’s how ya tell exactly what color each and every Muppet has to be. So ‘MS Pink’ is for Miss Piggy. I even got my own swatch: ‘MS Brown, Mottled’. Sherwin Williams calls it ‘Essence of Rags’.”

“Oh I understand that, Sweetums. It’s just I can’t tell the difference between Miss Piggy pink and Prairie Dawn pink. For that matter, Fozzie orange looks an awful lot like Ernie orange.”

“Just look at the letters, ya four-legged freak show! The Sesame Street swatch library is labeled ‘Matte Sesame’. So ‘MS Pink’ is… for… Prairie Dawn? Hold on, that can’t be right…”

“What’s the matter, Sweetums?”

“Well flap my big floppy jaw! There ain’t no way to tell these swatch libraries apart! What idiot came up with this cockamamie system anyway?”

“I don’t know, Sweetums. But the back of every card says ‘Printed by Statler and Waldorf’. Does that mean anything to you?”

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