Decaf

“Morning, Bob. Whatcha workin’ on over here?”

“Oh, hello Mr. Blasé. I’m just experimenting with a new kind of orange juice.”

“Orange-free orange juice! What a great idea! That’s very ambitious for your first week.”

“Oh, it’s still made from oranges. I’ve just fortified it with fiber and vitamin B12. It couldn’t be called orange juice without oranges, right?”

“You see that sign over there, Bob? Read what it says.”

“It says ‘Alternative Foods for Alternative Lifestyles’.”

“That’s our motto here at Blasé Food Solutions. My grandfather built an empire on decaffeinated coffee. My father furthered his dream with non-dairy creamer. And I’ve cornered the market on alternative produce with my patented Seedless Peanuts. Do you understand what I’m trying to say here, Bob?”

“Uhh… I’m afraid you lost me, sir. I thought we were trying to make foods more nutritious.”

“No, we do much more important work, Bob. We take the essential aspect of a product— the one thing that makes something what it is— and we remove it. See? It couldn’t be simpler.”

“Pardon me for asking, Mr. Blasé, but what is the point of that?”

“It’s all about opportunities, my boy. Imagine a little girl who is deathly allergic of oranges. Just touching one gives her a horrible rash all over her face. But what if she desperately wants to drink orange juice every morning? A synthetic orange drink could simulate that experience, risk free. Now we can provide an opportunity for that little girl and everyone else like her.”

“Couldn’t she just have something else? There’s lots of fruit that has more vitamin C than oranges.”

“Weren’t you listening, Bob? The little girl wants to drink orange juice. ”

“Even though it gives her a horrible rash.”

“Right.”

“Why would anyone want to ingest something that normally causes them harm or discomfort?”

“Lots of reasons! Like peer pressure. Back in my grandfather’s day, men were expected to drink coffee every morning. But what if caffeine gives you severe brain hemorrhages, hmm?”

“Then you don’t drink coffee, sir. That’s just stupid.”

“It’s not stupid! It’s science! It’s the future! Just imagine it: a whole generation of people drinking caffeine-free sugar-free diet colas for no other reason than it sort of tastes like regular cola! Vegetarian hamburgers! Imitation crab! Sugar-free sweetener! Apple Jacks! The possibilities are endless! Endless!”

“Mr. Blasé, I don’t think this job is working out. I’m leaving.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Bob. Just be sure to fill out your outgoing employee survey. And don’t bother using those new soy pencils. They write like crap.”

Decaf at Headline Shirts