Your-Skill-in-Reading

This week, on Jamie Oliver’s Book Revolution…

JAMIE OLIVER: Hello, everyone! I know many of you didn’t come here today for a lesson in dynamic writing. But things have gotten a bit out of hand and something must be done.

Jamie visits a popular corporate book retailer to reveal some shocking truths about America’s favorite novels.

JAMIE: Oy! What’s that you’ve got there?

WOMAN: Who, me? It’s… it’s just one of the Twilight books.

JAMIE: Wrong! I’m sorry madam, but this is not a book. Let’s take a look, shall we? [ahem] “Sleep, my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love.” What is this dribble? If a creepy pale git said that to you, would you really find it charming?

WOMAN: I dunno. I think it’s kind of romant—

JAMIE: Good god, woman! Your children are reading this!

Then Jamie exposes best-selling literary classics for what they really are.

JAMIE: Everyone look! Look at this! I’d like to introduce you to Pennywise the Clown from Stephen King’s It.

PENNYWISE: Hahahaha! I am eternal! I am the eater of worlds and children! And you’re next!

[people gasping]

JAMIE: Pretty scary, eh? Wouldn’t want to meet this bloke down a dark alley. You there, have you read this book?

GIRL: N-no.

JAMIE: Well since you find this character so frightening, do you want to know what he really is?

GIRL: Umm… okay.

JAMIE: Go ahead, Pennywise. Show them what you really are.

[poof]

GIRL: What? He’s a giant spider?

JAMIE: That’s right! That’s the ending to Stephen King’s It. You see, folks? This isn’t a twist. It’s just plain silly. This is what your children are reading!

GIRL: Hey, why are you bad mouthing books? I thought you were a chef.

JAMIE: Shut it, you!

Next week, Jamie Oliver ruins your favorite feature films on Jamie Oliver’s Movie Revolution.

MAN: But I liked the Ghostbusters sequel.

JAMIE: Read my lips, you idiot: pink slime! It’s a movie about pink slime!

¶ Your Skill in Reading at J!NX