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“And finally tonight on Channel 8 News, we have an exciting development in the ‘Three Wolf Moon Bandit’ story. We go now to KLKN correspondent Vanessa Brown, reporting live from Wahoo. What’s going on over there, Vanessa?”

“Rod, I am outside Casey’s General Store on East 12th and Chestnut, the locale of the Three Wolf Moon Bandit’s last stand. As you can see from the flashing lights of the dozens of emergency vehicles behind me, this has indeed been a historic day for the town of Wahoo, Nebraska. After a two-hour streak of armed robberies through downtown, the Bandit, now identified as Randy Emerson, has finally been apprehended.”

“Vanessa, can you recap today’s events for viewers at home?”

“Well, Rod, it started this afternoon at the Runza on South Chestnut. After a dramatic takeover and robbery, Emerson moved north, hitting the Dollar General, Wigwam Café and the South Wahoo Sunmart. Emerson was in the process of robbing this local Casey’s when he was finally taken into custody.”

“Incredible. Remind me again, Vanessa, why do they call him the Three Wolf Moon Bandit?”

“Rod, as far as I can tell, Emerson was named so for his penchant for holding up gas stations and convenience stores across the Midwest while donning those tacky-yet-haunting Three Wolf Moon T-shirts. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that Emerson was apprehended by none other than Spider-Man.”

“Amazing. Absolutely amazing. I didn’t know anyone still wore those.”

“Hold on, Rod. Spider-Man is attempting to leave in what looks to be a retrofitted Geo Metro. Let’s see if we can get a word from him. Spidey! Spidey, do you have a moment?”

“Oh. Hello there, citizen.”

“Spider-Man, what brings you to Wahoo, Nebraska? Have you been tracking the movements of the Three Wolf Moon Bandit?”

“Oh no. Nothing like that. It’s just New York City is getting a bit crowded with superheroes lately. The Fantastic Four, Daredevil, X-Men. Crime rates have really dropped, so I’m looking for work out here.”

“What prompted you to engage the Three Wolf Moon Bandit in battle using an economy car?”

“Oh this? Well, ah… you know how New York has like… skyscrapers? Let me put it this way: Yesterday I tried patrolling Omaha by swinging around Woodmen Tower all night. Try to keep from puking after a few hours of that. And since there’s no decent public transportation around here, I use this to get around. Six payments left.”

“Spider-Man, do you think Saunders County Courthouse will be enough to hold the Three Wolf Moon Bandit for long?”

“What is it with you people? The guy just likes to wear stupid shirts and rob people. Real supervillians don’t get this much airtime! Are all Midwesterners this starved for entertainment? Guys like Emerson wouldn’t last five minutes in the Big Apple. How am I supposed to do my job out here? Would it kill you flat-landers to build something higher than five stories? What, are you afraid of blocking all the great views? Ooo, look! Miles of corn and Dairy Queens! Now if you’ll excuse me, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man’s tater tot casserole is getting cold.”

“Uhh… thank you, Spider-Man. This is Vanessa Brown, KLKN Channel 8 News. Back to you, Rod.”

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