“Aloha and welcome back to the sixth annual World Pog Federation Masters Open. I’m Bob Costas, reporting live from beautiful Maui. Joining me today is the face of Pogman Pogs: Pogman.”

“Thanks for having me, Bob. Pogman Pogs is proud to sponsor this extreme sporting event!”

“Extreme is right. If you’re just tuning in, we’ve already breezed through the first weeks of preliminary ‘Not For Keeps’ heats, and are now in full swing with the high-stakes ‘For Keeps’ semi-final rounds.”

“And what a month it’s been, Bob! Pogman Pogs is providing all competitors with limited edition 1994 Masters Open commemorative milk caps! I tell ya, I’m in Pog Heaven over here!”

“That great, Pogman. Let’s take a look at today’s challenger. Starting round one of heat sixteen is up-and-comer Mike Tipps from Boise, Idaho.”

“That’s right, Bob! So far an undefeated contender this year, Tipps has been making waves with his signature slam execution ‘The Reckoning Ball’. Among his impressive array of novelty slammers is a giant lithium battery taken from The World’s Largest Wristwatch, awarded at the Idaho State Championships earlier this year. Guess you could say nobody beats Mike Tipps on his watch, eh Bob?”

“You certainly could say that. And who is the defender today, Pogman?”

“On defense, sporting the stylish Pogman Pogs hat and T-shirt, is WPF veteran and Pogman Pogs celebrity spokeswoman Samantha Jubals, the one and only ‘Slamantha’! With regional titles numbering in the hundreds, Jubals has accrued one of the most coveted milk cap collections in the Western Hemisphere. To date, she owns more than three hundred thousand Pogman pogs and nearly four thousand Pogman slammers! But it looks as if Slamantha has caught wind of Tipps’ success, because she’s sporting her ace in the hole: a Pogman Pogs brand Big Kahuna, the solid gold yin-yang slammer with an astounding .48 flip average! You can order your very own Big Kahuna slammer right now at all participating Pogman Pogs retailers!”

“Thanks, Pogman. Alright, the players have taken their positions and have submitted their pog wagers for approval. It appears Tipps is betting a collection of R.L. Stine ‘Goosebumps’ milk caps, (redeemable through a General Mills promotion, I believe,) and is supplementing these with an impressive mix of Alf and Ric Flair pogs. Jubals, however, has pulled out the stops by wagering a breathtaking series-one Marvel supervillains set, along with a mint D.A.R.E collection.”

“Courtesy of Pogman Pogs! And all of Slamantha’s Pogman pogs will be available for purch—”

“Thanks again, Pogman. The judges have okayed the stacks, the Head Judge is now shuffling the master stack… aaand… there’s the starting gun. Tipps appears to be deep in thought, possibly contemplating a slammer substitute. And yes, he is indeed returning to his travel tote. I don’t think he anticipated this many clear-coated milk caps. He looks to be scanning his less balanced slammers and… he’s chosen what looks to be a three-quarters inch stainless steel piece engraved with a unique design—a skull and crossed surfboards. Any words on this particular slammer, Pogman?”

“Oh. Uh… looks like a slammer from Pogoda, one of our competitors. Don’t be fooled, Bob. They only make cheap plastic slammers. Remember kids—less expensive, less awesome.”

“Tipps is winding up his first slam… and… wow! What a hit! It looks like… yes! I can’t believe it! Tipps has flipped over all one hundred pogs in the stack! Amazing! It’s a new World Pog Federation record! This is indeed a historic day for pogs! Did you see that, Pogman?”

“Pog damn it.”

1994 Pogs Champion at NerdyShirts