Hey, bub. I see you out there groomin’ your lawn. And I see that sorry excuse for a hedge trimmer you probably paid an arm and a leg for. Pal, you might as well be usin’ a spork to cut a porterhouse.

Hi. James here from Crazy Wade’s Finely Honed Penetrables. And I double dare you to stop by our centralized warehouse in scenic Alberta. Here, you’ll see metal’s wildest dreams come true. From lawn care to recreational fun, Crazy Wade means crazy sharp tools for every job under the sun.

Now I know what you’re thinkin’. You’ve been raised to believe your manhood depends on some loud, gas-guzzling gizmo with enough RPMs to fly a jumbo jet. Well you’re not foolin’ anyone, bub. Sure you’ll cut the grass. But only a real man instills a primal fear into his sod. At Crazy Wade’s, we guarantee your yard won’t show it’s face for three months after each grooming.

What’s our secret? Well, let’s just say you can’t sneak up on any Kentucky Blue with a diesel engine. You need good, old-fashioned muscle and an edge that can slash a bus in half. Or, if you’re not up to scratch, me and my team of talented “penetrologists” can arrange to come to you. When it comes to gettin’ things done, let’s just say we’ve carved out a niche for ourselves.

Every job comes with the Crazy Wade satisfaction guarantee: No Slice, No Dice. If you aren’t 100% satisfied with the quality of your incision, you can talk to the claw. Needless to say, we don’t get many complaints. So the next time you’ve got an itch that needs a lethal scratch, come on down to Crazy Wade’s Finely Honed Penetrables. We’re a cut above the rest.

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ΒΆ Wolverine Evolution at NerdyShirts