Bowie-Bolt

Read Part I of the David Bowie: Chronological Vigilante series, “Under Prussia“.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

“Good day, Frau Pölzl. My name is David, and these are my associates, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ and Jim.”

“Guten tag. Was wollen sie?”

“The service sent us over. We’re your new babysitters.”

“Ich… verstehe nicht.”

“Don’t worry about us, we’ll take good care of your son. Now hurry along, or you’ll be late for Pilates class.”

“Was sind—”

“Take care, goodbye now.”

*SLAM*

“We’re in. Gentlemen, it’s time to kill baby Hitler. Jim, go grab the child.”

“Yo DB! Don’t you think I should handle the kid instead?”

“Why do you say that, Dwayne ‘The Rock’?”

“Well, I’m sort of an expert in childcare after starring in Disney’s: The Pacifier.”

“Wasn’t that Vin Diesel?”

“Was it? I get us confused sometimes.”

AARGH!

“Oh no, it’s Jim! Quickly, to the nursery!”

“David, this baby won’t stop crying! It’s like he ate too many raisins and not enough lasagna.”

“Let him cry, JD! It’s Hitler, remember?”

“Sounds like you ate too many raisins and not enough lasagna!”

“Don’t make me bust out the People’s Elbow!”

“Both of you, that’s enough! I’ll take the child, then we can finally end this.”

*PHOOSH*

“Not so fast.”

“Former Oakland Raider and Radio Shack spokesman Howie Long?”

“That’s right. But there’s one job title you left out: Sargent in the Chrono Patrol.”

“Why are you interfering? We’re trying to stop World War II from ever happening!”

“You’ve got it backwards, Bowie. You’re the one interfering with the timeline, and I can’t let that happen.”

“You’re taking Hitler’s side?”

“I take no sides! It’s the Chrono Patrol oath that we keep the timeline sacrosanct. Hitler must live. John Wilkes Booth must shoot Lincoln. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith must split up. No one wants these tragedies, but they must exist for time itself to exist.”

“You’re saying that if we go through with this…”

“That’s right. If baby Hitler dies, the whole of space-time may die with him.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take. Besides, how can you stop all three of us?”

“It shouldn’t be a problem.”

*PHOOSH*

*PHOOSH*

“Is that Pablo Picasso?”

“Sí.”

“And Attila the Hun?”

“Attila smash!”

“That’s right, Bowie. The Chrono Patrol recruits the most elite warriors from all of history. And we won this round. Boys? Take these three to Eternity Court, where they can be tried for their time crimes.”

Is this the end of our era-hopping heroes? Will Dave and the gang be able to escape the prison at the end of time? And will Mrs. Hitler be late to Pilates? All this and more in Part III of the David Bowie: Chronological Vigilante series, “Judge, Jury, and Elocutioner”, coming soon to ThreadFiction!

Bowie Bolt at RedBubble