Star-Fiction

“Greetings, gentlemen. And how are you this morning?”

“Is my voice amplifier malfunctioning or did I just ask you a question?”

“W-we’re doin’ okay.”

“Do you know who I am? I am an associate of the Emperor’s. You know the Emperor?”

“You are Brett, are you not?”

“I’m Brett.”

“I thought so. Well, you remember the Emperor, don’t you Brett?

“I remember him.”

“That is very fortunate. It appears as if Mr. Fett and I caught you at breakfast. You have my apologies. May I ask what it is you are enjoying?”

“Bantha burgers.”

“Bantha burgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. May I ask what kind?”

“Well I’ve got the Tusken Junior and Marvin’s got the…”

“No, I mean from which establishment. MacDengar’s, Wompa’s, Jedi-in-the-Box, where?”

“Big Jabba Burger.”

“Big Jabba Burger. That’s that local Hutt restaurant. I hear their food is excellent, though haven’t had the pleasure of dining there myself. How is it?”

“They’re good.”

“Would you mind terribly if I sampled yours?”

“No.”

“Yours is this one, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm. That is a tasty Bantha burger. Fett, have you ever tried Big Hutt Burger?

“No, m’lord.”

“Would you care for a bite? They’re quite good.”

“Not hungry.”

“Well if you enjoy Bantha, you’ll have to try one sometime. As for myself, I cannot usually ingest solid foods due to my respirator. Which more or less makes me a smoothie enthusiast. Although I certainly enjoy the taste of good Bantha. Do you know what they call a Corellian Porterhouse with Cheese on Tatooine?”

“No.”

“Tell them, Mr. Fett.

“Poodoo with Cheese.”

“Poodoo with Cheese. And do you know why they call it that?”

“Because the Hutts hate Corellian food?”

“You have a formidable mind, Brett! The Hutts do abhor Corellian cuisine, that is correct. What is in this cup?”

“Juri Juice.”

“Ah, excellent. Do you mind if I quench my thirst with some of your appetizing beverage?”

“Sure.”

“Ah yes, that is satisfying. You, with the poor haircut, do you know what we’re here for?”

“Yes.”

“Then why don’t you tell Mr. Fett here where you’ve hidden the plans.”

“They’re under the b—”

“—I don’t recall asking your opinion. You were saying?”

“They’re under the bed.”

“Mr. Fett? Do we have them?”

“Target acquired, m’lord.”

“Excellent. There will be nothing to stop us this time.”

“Look, what’s your name? I got his name’s Fett, but what’s yours?”

“I am Darth Vader, Warlord of the Empire and second only to Emperor Palpatine. And I am not easily persuaded.”

“I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up things got between us and the Emperor. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions—”

[VADER’S LIGHTSABER IGNITES AND DECAPITATES MARVIN]

“Did I break your concentration? My apologies. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about ‘best intentions’.”

“Is something the matter? Ah, I see you were finished. Well, allow me retort. Would you describe for me what Emperor Palpatine looks like?”

“What planet are you from?”

“W-what?”

“I am not familiar with this planet called ‘what’. Do they speak Basic on ‘what’?”

“What?”

“Basic, you fool! Do you speak it?”

“Yes.”

“Then you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes.”

“Now describe what Emperor Palpatine looks like.”

“What?”

[VADER’S HAND GRIPS THE AIR. BRETT BEGINS TO CHOKE]

“Say ‘what’ again! I insist! Say ‘what’ one last time! Now describe to me what Emperor Palpatine looks like!”

“Well he’s… he’s… old.”

“Go on.”

“…and he’s… he’s… really wrinkly.”

“Does he look like a nerf herder?”

“What?”

[VADER IGNITES HIS LIGHTSABER AND SEVERS BRETT’S ARM]

Ahhhh!

“Does he look like a nerf herder?”

N-no!

“Then why did you treat him as one?”

“I didn’t!”

“Your lack of honesty is disturbing, Brett. Tell me, have you ever heard the Sith Code?”

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