“Did you hear something? It sounds… it sounds like something is… something is banging on the hull!”

“I don’t see anything outside. But it’s so dark, almost like something is covering the porthole. I can’t quite—AAH!”

Hi there, Mister. My name is Mark and I’m with the Tethidine Adventurers Club, Roundup 218 from Mariana Junior High. Today I’m going around the neighborhood to raise money so that squids like me can go to Oceanic Day Camp this summer.

“Commander, that creature… it’s… it’s huge!”

“Pull yourself together, Lieutenant! If you want to see your kids again, we need to do something fast!”

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“But what do we do, sir? It’s going to take down the whole sub!”

“Divert all noncritical power to the aft engines. We need to break free now!”

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“We’ve reached full power, sir! We still can’t shake this thing!”

“We’re running out of options here… Lieutenant, arm the torpedo.”

“But sir! If it blasts too close to the sub, you’ll blow a hole in the hull so wide that—”

“Dammit, Lieutenant, just do it!”

If you order Ports Illustrated, you’ll get all fifty-two weekly issues, plus the annual swimsuit edition. We also have popular titles such as Entertainment Beachly, National Geothermic, and National Geothermic for Kids.

“Torpedo ready, sir.”

“Lieutenant, if this doesn’t work, well… it’s been an honor serving with you.”

“And you as well, Commander.”

Are you sure you don’t want any magazines, Mister? Right now there’s a special offer on Better Subs and Reefs. If you sign up for a two year subscription, you’ll get a free mini-flashlight key chain.

“Direct hit, sir!”

“Let’s just pray that it was enough to scare him off.”

No? Well, thanks anyway for your time. Have a nice day.

“That’s it! He’s swimming away!”

“Check the radar, Lieutenant. Make sure that he’s not going to cause us any more trouble.”

“Confirmed, sir, the creature is swimming northwest at 22 knots. It looks like we’re…”

“What is it, Lieutenant?”

“Sir, there’s something approaching from the south. And it’s on a collision course with us!”

“Is it that creature again?”

“No, sir, it’s… bigger…”

Hello, my name is Meredith. Would you like to by some Whale Scout cookies?

Porthole Monster at RedBubble