“Give it to me straight, Doc. Can you fix me?”

“I won’t lie to you, Mr. Cadbury. The damage is quite extensive. You’ll never look the way you did before.”

“So it’s hopeless then?”

“Now, now. There are ways to make the deformities less noticeable. We’ve been able to successfully reconstruct a young man’s face using almond bark shavings.”

“But this is different! These are my floppin’ ears we’re talking about here! Do you have any idea how humiliating it is cruising nightclubs for Lindt Gold Bunnies without a full set of ears?”

“I understand this is a difficult time for you. But I believe I can help. I think a chocolate graft is your best option.”

“Oh come on. There’s no way you can mold a convincing set of ears from almond bark, let alone get it the same color.”

“That is why I suggest we take the chocolate sample from you.”

“But Doc, my ears make up almost half of my body! There just isn’t enough to go around. Isn’t there a waiting list or something?”

“I’m afraid I can’t recommend waiting for donor chocolate. By the time we acquired shavings of the correct color and cocoa butter content, your head hole will have already closed up permanently.”

“Man, I really am between a rock and a hard candy shell here. Okay, Doc. What are my options?”

“There’s only one, really. Just hear me out on this one. I suggest we make an incision just below the chin and seal off your neck using the chocolate from your feet. Then, after we melt down the remnants, I believe there will be enough leftover to construct ears four times the length of your originals.”

“But wouldn’t I just be a head?”

“A head with twelve-inch ears, Mr. Cadbury.”

“I’m sold. When can we start?”

“Well, I’ve got twenty minutes until my lunch break. You can step over to the bandsaw whenever you’re ready.”

ΒΆ My Butt Hurts at SnorgTees