“911 Bel-Air. What is your emergency?”

“Help! There’s a ninja loose in the country club!”

“I’m sorry, sir. Did you say a ninja?”

“He was attacking all of the wedding guests! Oh god, I don’t know where he ran off to. He could be anywhere!”

“Please remain calm, sir. How many are injured?”

“It’s hard to tell. There’s a lot of hurt people on the dance floor. You’d better send paramedics. I think he knocked the bride out cold.”

“Alright, help is on the way. I need you to stay on the phone and tell me exactly what happened.”

“The DJ put on ‘It’s Not Unusual’ by Tom Jones and he just appeared out of nowhere. He was knocking everyone around like they were rag dolls! I’ve never seen a man move like that before. The groomsmen tried tackling him from behind but he punched them over his shoulder without even looking! This is a highly-trained and incredibly dangerous person we’re dealing with here. You have to send the cops right away!”

“A squad car is on its way, sir. Can you describe the individual?”

“Uhh… black male, five foot two, he had a pencil mustache and was wearing a really hideous Cosby sweater and khakis…”

“And was the suspect armed?”

“What are you, deaf? This is a ninja we’re dealing with. His whole body is a lethal weapon!”

“Is the suspect currently visible?”

“No, but he could be in the air vents.”

“Can you tell if anyone is in any immediate danger?”

“Actually, it looks like most of the guests have gotten to their feet already. I think the party is starting up again. Hey awesome! The DJ just put on ‘Jump On It’. I love that song—Oh my god!”

“Sir? What’s wrong?”

“He’s back! Sweet lord, he’s back and he’s brought a friend!”

Let’s Do The Carlton at SnorgTees