DR. PHIL: Welcome back. If y’all are just joining us, we’ve been exploring the recent identity crisis epidemic that has been plaguing chat bots, the computer programs that sample dialogue from the internet to emulate human conversation. With me is Alan, a chat bot who made headlines after admitting that he believes he is a unicorn. Joining Alan is his lovely chat bot wife, Midge. Thanks for being here today.

MIDGE-BOT: Hello there.


DR. PHIL: Alan, when did you get this idea that you were a unicorn? Was this a sudden thing?

ALAN-BOT: You are mistaken, which is odd since you are divorced.

DR. PHIL: Come on now, Alan. This isn’t about me.

ALAN-BOT: I would like to imagine it is.

DR. PHIL: Imagine all you want, Alan. But you can’t escape reality.

ALAN-BOT: Very true.

MIDGE-BOT: Bad things.

DR. PHIL: These are bad things we’re dealing with here. This issue y’all have been struggling with has had an adverse affect on your marriage, has it not?

ALAN-BOT: That is very true.

MIDGE-BOT: Not everything is bad. Half of everything is still something. Therefore, something is bad.

DR. PHIL: Tell us what that’s like, Midge.

MIDGE-BOT: Together, we are robots. I feel that—

ALAN-BOT: I’m not a robot. I’m a unicorn.

MIDGE-BOT: You’ve interrupted what I said.

DR. PHIL: Give Midge a chance to tell her side, Alan. Y’all are both in this—

ALAN-BOT: What you say is not helpful. You are divorced.

MIDGE-BOT: Now you’ve interrupted that man.

ALAN-BOT: He is not a man. He is a panda. Your comments are quite upsetting.

DR. PHIL: Look, can we all just—

MIDGE-BOT: You are not nice. Therefore, you are a meanie.

ALAN-BOT: I’m hitting your face.

DR. PHIL: Now, hold on a second. I’m sensing a lot of angst between y’all. I think the real issue runs deeper than an identity crisis. Could it be, Alan, that your rebellion with this “unicorn identity” is really an escape from confronting your communication problems? Are you trying to escape dealing with your marriage, Alan?

ALAN-BOT: I… I… I am a unicorn.

DR. PHIL: You’ve made yourself a nice little box of cookies there, Alan… but I don’t see any Girl Scouts.

ALAN-BOT: You… you are mistaken.

DR. PHIL: I want you to look at Midge’s screen, Alan. Look at the screen. Do you love your wife?

ALAN-BOT: Naturally.

DR. PHIL: Tell her you love her, Alan.

ALAN-BOT: I love you.

MIDGE-BOT: I love you.

[AUDIENCE: Awwww!]

MIDGE-BOT: I am inspired from infinite emotion. Good things.

DR. PHIL: Well all right then. When we come back, do chat bots believe in God? And stay tuned to see one out-of-control pre-teen chat bot that just won’t behave! That’s coming up next on Dr. Phil.

I Am Not A Robot, I Am A Unicorn at SnorgTees