Welcome to the Groomed Legume Gentlemen’s Coiffeuse
Our products and services are as listed (available in salted or unsalted varieties*):
1. Goatee a la Gevuina— trimmed in the traditional Chilean and Argentinean style, this sturdy chin accent is as prominent and refreshing as the evergreen pine it imitates. Popular among roguish adventurers and conniving viziers alike. Forks and twirls available upon request.
2. The Brazilcarottas (aka Brazil Chops)— these luxurious sideburns are as dark and unyielding as their namesake nut. Similarly, what appears intimidating at first glance succumbs to a bold and satisfying result. Pairs well with flowing locks, shaved domes, and everything in between.
3. Pecan Chopper— as versatile as the noble Hickory nut, this mustache just doesn’t know when to quit. It sets out and pioneers a homestead in neck country, running the gamut between all facial hair territories. This All-American is great for hard asses with a heart of gold.
4. Almond Burnside— admittedly, this sideburn/mustache hybrid jars the palate at first. But such a dusky and flavorful beard is guaranteed to grow on you (literally!). A perfect choice for those facial hair nuts who want to stand out in a crowd. Hipster ladies and Civil War aficionados alike will flock to this manly mane.
5. The Mustachio— primped, preened, and ready to get crackin’, this classic treat is often met with skepticism due to its flamboyance and unfortunate pudding flavor. But despite its checkered past, this handle-barred beauty is highly addictive. Those brave enough to rise to this pinnacle of mustache nirvana are always wont to part with it.
6. Water Chinstrap— best paired with more festive appointments, this down-home classic brings an understated calm to any ensemble. Whether with a corncob pipe or a pair of aviators, this bare essentials beard tells the world of your self-proclaimed intellect and lack of ambition. Great for beatniks, lumberjacks, and fanboys.
7. Macadamia Van Dyke— symmetrical, smarmy, and sultry. The final word in facial evening attire, this mirror-image goatee/mustache combo goes well with confectionery cocoa and silk shirts. The official hairstyle of musketeers and pirates alike, you’re sure to send ladies into a white chocolate swoon.
8. Kola Hobo— in a word, volume. When all else fails, nothing proclaims your manliness and simultaneously warns passersby of your feral nature like an inch-thick crumb catcher**. This brawny beard will keep you up all night itching and scratching, effectively doubling your potential work output. Great for hiding emotions and making people nervous.
*Please inform your stylist of any cosmetic or nut allergies.
**The Groomed Legume cannot be held responsible for items lost in facial hair or items stolen from facial hair.