As President of Research and Development at Hide-A-Key Enterprises, let me just say how proud I am to work alongside such innovative minds. Thieves and crooks may be two steps ahead of the Pentagon’s firewalls, but they’ve got nothing on good old-fashioned key concealment.

Now I know how tough the market is these days. Last year, Schlage released their fancy new light-up entry pad, Brinks came out with a home security app for the iPhone last quarter, and ADT just unveiled a trap door and isolation chamber that lets you monitor and torment ensnared burglars. Heck, I’m thinking of getting one myself. So I don’t need to remind you just how brutal the competition has been lately.

But we persevered. We stuck to it and continued providing our customers with the time-honored tradition of hiding spare keys in camouflaged plastic casings. As technology grows, so does Hide-A-Key. We’ve hidden keys in everything from outdoor thermometers to birdhouses. Our new Fake Sprinkler Head division has shown record numbers this quarter. Why, I remember when we first pitched the idea to Marketing. You remember that, Barry? “Nobody wants to hide keys in fake sprinkler heads,” they said. And despite the fact that they don’t actually spray water, they’re now bestsellers! If that’s not overcoming adversity, I don’t know what is.

But I also know we’ve had our share of hardships. The Fake Rock and Fake Lawn Gnome divisions have both seen some upsetting trends this year. We sure were holding out for the summer rush, weren’t we fellas? It hurts to see such old favorites—classics, really—fall by the wayside. That is why we’ve decided to merge the Rock and Gnome teams into one massive beta product division.

Now I know you guys must feel a bit apprehensive about the changes. But this team will be responsible for the cutting-edge of key espionage. Feast your eyes on the future of Hide-A-Key: the Fake Ceramic Pot, the Fake Shrubbery and the Fake Treasure Chest! These designs are straight from my engineers down at R&D. But, as our market data suggests, they should prove to be the final word in home security.

Picture a cat burglar prowling around someone’s front yard, looking for an easy mark. Then he spots it—a random pot lying innocently next to the front entry. Never in a million years would he ever think to look inside. Everyone knows pots are only for flowers! And who hides stuff in bushes, huh? Nobody, that’s who. That’s why the Fake Shrubbery is so brilliantly original. But my personal favorite has to be the Fake Treasure Chest. I mean think about it. You’ll see this big fancy treasure chest sitting in broad daylight and think, “Gee! I bet someone’s taken out whatever was in that chest ages ago!” Genius, right?

I am very confident our new Beta Team will provide invaluable field data from their subterranean facilities beneath Kokiri Forest and Death Mountain. But enough shop talk. It’s time to play “Pin the Boomerang on the Golden Skulltula”!

Good Things Come To Those Who Break Clay Pots at SnorgTees