Im-The-1

We’re back with the FDA Nightly News.

We turn our attention to the dairy aisle. Tensions mounted today as skim protesters clashed with cream bankers in what can only be described as a case of severe lactose intolerance.

Protesters claim that they’re only looking for equality in the grocery ranks.

“It’s not fair that 1% of the dairy products contain 99% of the milk-fat. Why does there have to be a separation between the skim and the cream? We just want a world where everybody is Half & Half.”

Meanwhile, in the cream camp, bankers had their own words for the protesters.

“It’s not our fault that we contain more saturated fat per volume than the rest of those protesters combined. They’re lazy, uneducated, and some of them aren’t even pasteurized!”

In the middle of these two factions, the 1% milk has become the uneasy mediator.

“I don’t know what’s going on with these protests, honestly. I just hope I get sold before I expire. Do these guys even understand what our percentages mean?”

Things have calmed for now, but FDA News will continue to monitor the situation.

That’s all the time we have for today, but join us tomorrow night for our startling expos√© on pineapples.

For FDA Nightly News, I’m Brian Williams. Goodnight.

¬∂ I’m The 1% at SnorgTees