Whiskers! Where the hell have you been!? Oh sure—blame your morning routine. You take a tongue bath on the half hour and wear the same tie every day!

But never mind that right now. We’ve got a crisis on our paws. No, I’m not talking about Fancy Feast vs. the state of Utah. We’ve got bigger bones to bury, Whiskers. Namely, the television ad. I put you in charge of a simple commercial and this is what I get?

No, there wasn’t a problem with the broadcast. It aired simultaneously on all the major networks, just like we discussed. Twelve million dollars made sure of that. The problem was your choice of footage.

What do I mean? We just aired three full minutes of you and Rex cuddling, licking children’s faces, and frolicking through a field! Where the hell did you even find a field in New Jersey?

I don’t care how great the location scout was, damn it! We’ve got a commercial featuring Morgan Freeman narrating to dramatic music paired with a Milo and Otis acid trip! My god, man!

How can you just sit there with your head tilted to the side like that? Have you even seen a law firm ad? You’re supposed to show lawyers in suits sitting behind big desks with lots of books in the background! This could seriously damage the firm’s reputation, Whiskers. The senior partners are not happy. You need to fix this now!

You want to add glockenspiel music? Are you serious? That’s a step in the wrong direction, Whiskers. We’re trying to be prestigious, not precious!

No, I don’t think adding more close-ups of you and Rex making sad eyes would do the trick either.

You know what? I can see you’re just not getting this. Clearly I made a gross error in judgment not previewing your work.

Hold on I have to take this call.

Hello? Yes? You’re kidding. You loved it? You want our representation? We’ll be over with the paperwork right away! No, thank you, Mr. Rourke!

Whiskers! Get Rex in here! You two just got the biggest case of your careers!

Rex and Whiskers Attorneys at SnorgTees