[sweeping fanfare]

“Good evening, I’m Mason Grouting.”

“And I’m Stone Cobbles. And this is the Channel 12 ‘All Male’ News at ten. Tonight on KLXY, we talk to the survivors of the devastating Harrington Mall fire. But first, our top story. Mason?”

“Thanks, Cobbs. It all began as a harmless recreational activity, similar to bird watching or pointing out ugly people at Walmart. But the people of Dungannon, Virginia now live in fear of a nameless terror. A nameless terror named… ‘Updog’.”

[cut to video]

WOMAN: It’s gotten to the point where I’m afraid to leave the house.

MAN: My friend almost stepped in some the other day. I’ve never been so scared in my life.

“For the past week and a half, the citizens of Dungannon have been plagued by Updog — a regional phenomenon that has baffled local police.”

POLICE CHIEF: Our office has been flooded with reports of Updog sightings. Problem is, we can’t get a consistent description from witnesses. It’s nearly impossible to follow any leads.

“But what is Updog? Oddly, most sightings and encounters have been traced back to Dungannon school children between the ages of eight and twelve, who seem to be able to spot Updog better than their adult counterparts.”

BOY #1: Yeah, I saw some Updog in the bushes the other day. It was crawling up this girl’s leg. It had like huge claws and teeth like this big!

BOY #2: My uncle had some Updog on his face last night. When I told him, he about knocked his own head off slapping himself. You shoulda seen the look… I mean, it was really scary.

“But what do local experts make of this enigma?”

ZOOLOGIST: Based on various intel we’ve gathered, I ascertain that Updog could be anything from a rare species of butterfly pupae to a mutated breed of wild dog. I initially wrote this off as another case of El Chupacabra. That is, until I spoke with a young man who claimed he was going to a grocery store to actually purchase Updog. I just don’t know what to think anymore.

NARCOTICS OFFICER: We may be dealing with a new illegal substance here. Perhaps some sort of hallucinogen. We’ve been talking with area grade schools to organize random locker searches and drug tests for Updog.

“For now, authorities have organized a community lookout for the threat known as Updog and are asking citizens to call this hotline if they have any information. But until an actual Updog specimen is obtained and studied, the answer to the question ‘What’s Updog?” will continue to be ‘Not much’. This is Stone Cobbles, KLXY News.”

Updog at SnorgTees