Pizza-Is-A-Vegetable

EXTERIOR — TASTEFULLY DECORATED OUTDOOR PATIO — MORNING

An athletic couple wearing brightly-colored spandex outfits jog up to a backyard gazebo.

WOMAN: Whew, I feel great!

MAN: Yessir, there’s nothing like an early morning triathlon to start your day!

WOMAN: You can say that again, sweetie!

MAN: Mmm, I’m hungry. What’s for breakfast, honey?

The camera pans toward a picnic table covered in fresh produce.

WOMAN: Your favorite! Raw vegetables and wheat grass shakes!

The man selects a stalk of broccoli.

MAN: Oh boy! I can hardly w—

Suddenly, Jackie Chan somersaults over the house, dropping in front of the man. Without hesitation, Jackie Chan karate chops the broccoli out of his hands, accompanied by hilarious kung-fu sound effects.

MAN: Hey! My anti-oxidants!

ANNOUNCER: Now there’s a better way to get your daily allotment of fruits and vegetables! Introducing new V8™ Health Wheels™!

With a whooshing sound, Jackie Chan whips his hands in a karate formation and produces a large, flat box. He opens it and presents a piping hot V8™ Health Wheel™.

WOMAN: Umm… is this a pizza?

JACKIE CHAN: No pizza! Health Wheel!

ANNOUNCER: V8™ Health Wheels™ are packed with eighty-five percent of your total daily allowance of all vitamins, minerals and fatty acids!

MAN: Wow! Peperoni! I haven’t had one of these since before I got married!

WOMAN: Harold, that’s not healthy. Besides, there’s not a vegetable on it!

Jackie Chan glares at her and shakes his head disapprovingly.

ANNOUNCER: V8™ Health Wheels™ are made with 100% bleached white flour, which is made from real wheat grown right here in the Western Hemisphere!

WOMAN: You’re talking about the pizza’s crust, right?

Jackie Chan tosses the V8™ Health Wheel™ into the air, cartwheels over to the woman, kicks the wheat grass shake from her hands, and catches the V8™ Health Wheel™ before it lands.

JACKIE CHAN: No pizza! Health Wheel!

WOMAN: Hey! I was planning on tolerating that beverage!

ANNOUNCER: And V8™ Health Wheels™ are covered in delicious low-fat tomato fruit sauce made from 19% real tomatoes!

WOMAN: Yeah, and tons of simple sugars. Don’t touch that, Harold!

MAN: B-but Jackie Chan and the nice disembodied voice says it’s healthy!

Jackie Chan springs up onto the table, balances upside down on one arm, and proceeds to karate chop the V8™ Health Wheel™ into slices with his free hand.

WOMAN: Hey! We’re trying to live an active lifestyle here! Stop serving us pizza!

JACKIE CHAN and MAN (in unison): No pizza! Health Wheel!

ANNOUNCER: Plus, every V8™ Health Wheel™ is topped with a full pound of low-fat cheese milked from grass-fed Brazilian cattle! You’ll be surprised how good veggies can taste!

WOMAN: Dairy fat does not count as a green vegetable! Harold! What are you doing!? That’s processed red meat you’re eating!

MAN (with mouth full): It’s okay, honey! It says on the box the toppings are made from grass-fed Brazilian cattle too!

WOMAN: But Harold! Your triglycerides!

MAN: Come on, Jackie. Let’s go inside and watch the game.

Jackie Chan does a series of elaborate backflips to the patio door. He then offers the man a six-pack of beer, much to the woman's displeasure. The camera focuses on the V8™ Health Wheel™ box on the table while the couple continues arguing in the background.

ANNOUNCER: Still eating yucky fresh fruits and vegetables? Could’ve had a V8™ Health Wheel™! Available at all Casey’s Convenience Stores!

Pizza Is A Vegetable at SnorgTees