‘Allo! And welcome to “Speaking Fronch for Beginnaires”.

Ah will be your instructor, Maître Linguiste Guy de Lombard, and you are leestening to tape un, side ah. Eef you leesten vury carefully and speak along with me, ah am certain you will be speaking ze delicate and beautiful langue de français in no time-uh.

Now let us covah ze basics, oui? Somezing zat urvry Fronchman must know iz how to greet ze foreigner properly. Par exemple, ze silly English sayeeng “Good morning”. Repeat after me:

“Ah unclog mah nose to-wards you, son of a window-dresser!”

Vury good. And again:

“Ah burst my pimples at you, you tiny-brained wiper of other people’s bottoms!”

Yes, vury nice-uh! Ze language of ze Fronch iz not zo bad, eh? Let us try anozah silly English sayeeng, “Pleased to meet you”. Repeat after me:

“Ah fart in your general direction, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper!”

Ah, you see? Zis iz not so hard. Once more, s’il vous plaît. Zis time-uh with an emphazis on ze shaking of ze fist:

“Go and boil your bottom, son of a silly person!”

Excellent, excellent! Ah can tell you will learn zis vury quickly! We shall now move on to ze more practical sayeengs. We will now learn to say “Ah would like to see your wine menu pleaze”. Repeat after me:

“Ah wave my private parts at your auntie, you brightly-colored, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biter!”

Oui, oui! Magnifique! You have now learned ze basics of Fronch! Pleaze fleep zis tape to side bay for ze next instructional course, “Raspberries and Silly Gestures for ze Aspiring Fronchman”!

Your Mother Was A Hamster at SnorgTees