♫ Happy Burst Day to you! Happy Burst Day to you! Happy Burst Day Spawn 3,453,842! Happy Burst Day to you! ♫

“Thanks, everyone. You didn’t have to go to all this trouble for me.”

“Sure we did! Us 3.4s gotta stick together, you know.”

“Enough mandible clicking! Let’s get to the presents already!”

“Gee, there’s so many. Which one should I open first?”

“Open mine, 3,453,842! Open mine!”

“Alright, 3,445,328. Which one is it?”

“The one in the back covered in goo.”

“Umm… a little more specific?”

“Oh here, 3,453,842. Just open this one. It’s from Grandma 1,956,753. She always sends such lovely things.”

“Aw man. Not another skull cozy.”

“Now 3,453,842. Your grandma went to a lot of time and effort to knit that for you. And look at that embroidery! Is that made of mammal sinew? How beautiful!”

“Yeah, yeah. Next present!”

“While we’re on serious gifts, why don’t you open the Queen’s?”

“Aw, Mom. It’s just gonna be another dumb card.”

“Come on now. She is our Queen.”

“Wow, what a surprise. It’s a card. Go figure.”

“Well? Go on and read it aloud.”

“It just says the same old stuff: ‘Dearest Xenomorph Spawn, it is with great pride that you should remember your first Chest Bursting Day. It is on our Bursting Day that each unit of our superior race recalls that all other sentient lifeforms are only fit for consumption and incubation…’ yadda, yadda, yadda. Can I open a real present now?”

“Oh, alright. Go ahead.”

“Here’s mine, 3,453,842!”

“Wow, 3,445,328! This sure is big! Oh, no way! Is this…?”

“Your very own human android! Now you can practice all those death moves you wanted to try.”

“Thanks, 3,445,328! Hey Mom! Can we take it out to the surface and try it out?”

“Oh, alright. I suppose we can open the rest of your gifts after the feeding frenzy. Just be sure to stretch a tarp underneath that thing. I don’t want the planetoid looking like a mess.”


“And watch out for titanium alloys! You don’t want your mini mouth to snap off!”