The following is a paid advertisement for the Magic Boomerang.


Englishman MICK stands behind the kitchen counter while his wife, MIMI, pours coffee for their guests, TINA and IKE, seated on the other side.

MICK (to IKE and TINA): Good mornin’ you lot!
IKE and TINA: Morning!
MIMI: How’s everyone feeling?

Disheveled and hung over, BERMAN, a fat, bald houseguest, staggers in.

BERMAN: Oh, my head.
TINA: Quite the party last night, huh, Berman?
BERMAN: Oooh. Not so loud, Tina.
MIMI: Poor Berman. What you need is a nutritious breakfast.

MIMI winds up and throws a yellow object out the kitchen window. A moment later it returns, somehow carrying with it a fruit smoothie.

MIMI: There you go, Berm. A freshly made strawberry banana smoothie!
BERMAN: Wow, thanks!
IKE (startled): W-what the…?
MICK: You look a bit peckish as well, Ike.
IKE: What the hell just happened here?
MICK: I bet you could do with a nice fluffy omelet, yeah?
IKE: Well sure. That’d be great, Mick. But…
MIMI: What do you like on your omelet, Ike?
IKE: Uh… ham, tomato, onion, and cheese, I guess.
MIMI: You got all that, Mick?
MICK: Right-O! I’ll just lock onto each ingredient… and…

MICK whips the yellow object out the window. Four chimes sound and the object returns, carrying a freshly cooked omelet. IKE looks dumbfounded.

MICK: Voilà! A delicious omelet in less time than it takes to get out the bloody fryin’ pan!
IKE: Where did you…? How did the…?
MIMI: Eggs and fruit are great, Mick, but what’s breakfast without freshly baked muffins?

Behind Mick and Mimi, HAZEL shuffles in with a frumpy housecoat and a cigarette dangling from her lips.

HAZEL (coughing sporadically): Did somebody say ‘muffins’?
MICK: Sure did, Hazel. You like blueberry or banana nut?
HAZEL: How ’bout both?
MIMI: No problem! Watch this!

Again, MIMI tosses the yellow object out the window and it returns with a tray of piping hot muffins.

HAZEL: All right! Now I can finally get this gin taste outta my mouth!
TINA: That’s amazing! In only a few minutes, you’ve made a fruit smoothie, an omelet, and two kinds of muffins! What is that thing?
MIMI: Oh this? It’s the Magic Boomerang!
MICK: The personal, versatile kitchen magician!
BERMAN (looking up with smoothie around his mouth): Kitchen magician?
MICK: That’s right. Because the Magic Boomerang works like magic!
MIMI: Just wind it up, lock onto your target, and it’ll do any job in the kitchen in ten seconds or less!
MICK: Oi! How about some dip for the big game this afternoon, yeah?

The guests all murmur their approval. HAZEL shrugs and lights another cigarette.

MICK: Watch this. I lock onto avocados, garlic, tomatoes and cilantro. Wind it up… and…

MICK hurls the Magic Boomerang. Four chimes sound and it returns holding a festive bowl of guacamole.

MICK: Bob’s yer uncle! Fresh guacamole! The Magic Boomerang sliced the avocado, chopped the garlic and blended the tomato and cilantro all at once! And I didn’t even need a knife!
MIMI: But wait until you see this! You like dessert, Berman?
BERMAN: Oh, right. Because I’m fat, Mimi? Nice.
MIMI: Just lock the Magic Boomerang onto fresh cream and chocolate syrup and in seconds…

MIMI chucks the Magic Boomerang out the window. It returns with a bowl of pudding.

MIMI: …you’ll have rich, creamy chocolate mousse!
BERMAN (wide-eyed): Yabba dabba MOUSSE!

All the houseguests laugh raucously. HAZEL doubles over, coughing.

MIMI: But the thing about the Magic Boomerang we like best…
MICK and MIMI: Frozen drinks!

The guests cheer and applaud. IKE scratches his head.

IKE: So how does it actually work?
MIMI: Haven’t you been listening, Ike? You wind up, lock onto your targets and presto! All without dirtying a single pot or pan! Now let’s go make some margaritas!
IKE: Hold on a second. I’m not getting this.
MICK: What’s not to get, you thick git?
BERMAN: Yeah, come on Ike! We wanna get drunk!
IKE: How does it combine and cook ingredients? Where does the food come from? Hell—where did the dishes all this stuff was served on come from?
MIMI: It’s like magic, Ike!
MICK: Microwave and dishwasher safe too!
IKE: But that doesn’t explain how…
MIMI: Get your own Magic Boomerang today for only four easy payments of $49.95! Call in the next four minutes and we’ll make your first payment! That’s only three easy payments of…
IKE: It’ll be at Bed, Bath and Beyond for half that next month.
MICK: Shut it, you!

MICK slaps IKE across the face. Fade to black. Order screen appears with flashing hotline.

The preceding was a paid advertisement for the Magic Boomerang. Order now!

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