Ninja-Crossing

“This City Council meeting is now called to order. Will the Secretary please read the minutes from last month?”

“Last month, the Board voted unanimously to improve preventative measures in and around county cemeteries to combat the increasing threat of zombie invasion. The Board voted to raise taxes to accommodate the purchase of quick-dry cement for sealing graves. The Board also abolished the three-day waiting period required to purchase firearms for all cemetery personnel and groundskeepers.”

“Thank you, Mr. Secretary. Do I hear a second on an approval of the minutes?”

“Second.”

“All in favor?”

“Aye.”

“All opposed? …The minutes pass. On to new business. Councilman Peters has the floor.”

“Thank you, Chairman. Council members, we’ve addressed this issue in the past, but I am calling for a proposal of action tonight. Our fair city has made notable leaps and bounds from the recession this quarter. As such, I feel it is the right time to deal with the matter of ninja ambush. This problem is prominent in the east-central district along 12th Street, particularly at the intersection with Cleveland Avenue. There have been numerous reports of damage to personal and city property, mysterious disappearances, and alleged use of deadly weapons at this intersection.”

“The Councilman is asked to clarify the term ‘deadly weapon’ for the record please.”

“Of course, Chairman. There have been testimonials of clothing—ties, belts, the occasional spaghetti strapped blouse, what have you—that have been severed using a blade or dagger, possibly a katana or ninjato. Now, I don’t have to explain the dangers of slicing clothing off a person’s body, regardless of the swordsman’s skill. In addition to this, there have been countless shuriken, more commonly known as ‘ninja stars’, recovered from the intersection at 12th and Cleveland. These have been found lodged in stop signs, telephone poles, and even in innocent passersby. I have here a police report detailing a man who was, and I quote, ‘…pinned to a concrete wall by his sleeves and pant cuffs by thirty five star-shaped projectiles.’ And while we’re on the topic, I might add that the State of Massachusetts recently ruled that a fully trained ninja, unarmed, is technically classified as a deadly weapon unto himself.”

“Yes, yes. Thank you, Councilman. The floor is now open to discussion. Councilman Janik?”

“What exactly is the proposal of action? Laser grids again?”

“Actually, I move for the formation of a committee, headed by myself, charged with locating ninja-heavy areas and posting hazard signs, with the express purpose of warning pedestrians of the inherent danger posed by a ninja attack.”

“Do we have a second?”

“Second.”

“All in favor of a Ninja Crossing Sign Formation Committee, say ‘aye’.”

“Aye.”

“All opposed? Motion passes. Next order of business. I believe Councilman Irving has an update on the pirate infestation currently under observation at Juniper Lake. You have the floor, sir.”

Ninja Crossing at SPLITREASON