“Hello again, Mr. Hero of Time. And how are we feeling today?”

“Not so good, Doc. Got an injury for you to look at.”

“Ah, well I imagine that’s to be expected in your line of work. So where exactly did you get— gah!”

“Right there.”

“Yes, I can definitely see that. That’s uh… quite the chunk taken out of you, Mr. Hero.”

“Yeah. Stings a bit.”

“So I’m guessing the fairy in the bottle prescription didn’t work?”

“Well that’s the other thing, actually. I sort of… ate her.”


“Yeah. Just kinda popped her in there and started chewing. Don’t know what came over me.”

“You do realize the full healing effects of fairies work best when they are allowed to—”

“Fly around you. I know, Doc. Forget I said anything. I just need a patch job here.”

“Of course, of course. I’ll get the Neosporin. So what got you this time?”

“Oh, just an Octorok.”

“Come now, Mr. Hero. I know a hickey when I see one. This is definitely a bite.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“I highly doubt that. I am a professional, you know.”

“It was a Stalfos.”

“I’m sorry?”

“A Stalfos bit me.”

“Huh. That’s quite an unorthodox attack for a skeletal warrior. Are you sure this wasn’t one of those bone dogs?”

“Nope. Definitely a Stalfos. I used a bomb flower to blow off his head and it just latched onto me. Haven’t felt the same since.”

“And how long ago was this?”

“About two cutscenes ago.”

“Interesting. And the wound is already showing signs of gangrene…”

“So can you fix it or what, Doc?”

“Frankly, we need to get you into surgery immediately. I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to amputate.”

“What? For this little scratch? Man, forget traditional medicine. I’m outta here.”

“Wait! Mr. Hero, please! The infection is spreading!”

“You’ll see. All I need is a good meal and I’ll feel better. Where’d I leave Epona? I could eat a horse right now…”

The Legend of Zombie at SPLITREASON