Good afternoon, Institute of Mad Science Graduating Class of 1994. As Introduction Man so aptly put, my name is Dr. Albert W. Wily, 1965 IMS Alumnus from the doctoral school of Themed Henching.

Today is not only the beginning of your careers in mad science, it’s the beginning of hard life lessons. The Evil Board of Evil Educators has invited me as keynote speaker to share words of wisdom at this crossroads in your lives.

I’ve always said, “If life gives you buzz saws, make a buzz saw robot and call him Saw Man. If life gives you drills, make a drill robot and call him Drill Man.” But as far as wise words, I can only offer you three: “Know thy limits.”

All too often in our studies, we are goaded into thoughts of immortality by the knowledge we obtain. Many mad scientists, mad chemists, and mad technicians have set their sights too loftily… and with dire consequences. I’m sure the prospect of world domination has crossed many of your fevered minds from time to time. But knowing how to inconvenience the lives of the innocent does not necessarily give one the power to dominate them.

This is not to dissuade you from your goals, far from it. Just look at other esteemed IMS graduates: Baxter Stockman, Magica De Spell, William Nye. All bright men and women who are not just defined by their enemies, but by their enemies’ annoyance. And what is it to dominate life if not to utterly frustrate it?

Look, I may not be the flashiest purveyor of mad science like that egotistical Ivo Robotnik, and I may not set unattainable goals of world domination like the ever-disappointing Dr. Claw, (both Villainry State graduates, I might add). But I know my enemy and I know how to make his life miserable.

And in the end, isn’t that a more realistic goal for world domination? If we each do our part and inconvenience the life of just one do-gooder, we’re one step closer to a more dismal and yolk-laden world. And that is a world for which we can all wring our gloved hands in anticipation. You have great expectations set before you, Class of 1994. Do not disappoint. Thank you.

Please rise as Alma Mater Man leads us in the school song.