Oh thank god, a human being! You guys had me on hold for over an hour. So yes hello, Darla. My internet is down and I need it up before all the deals are over.

You know, the online Black Friday deals? I mean, I guess I planned on looking around for any good Cyber Monday stuff but I do most of my Christmas shopping today.

Yes, yes. I’ve unplugged my router and restarted my computer like five times. It’s obvious I’m not the only person with an issue since I was on hold for so long.

So if you’re aware of a problem in my area, then why isn’t it fixed yet? And don’t give me any of that solar flare crap. My connection was fine earlier.

Well then why don’t you tell me about these possible reasons? I’d like to know what I’m wasting my money on.

Uh huh.


Look, Darla. Don’t you think if some random We Are Legion cyberwarfare prompted an executive decision to throw an internet kill switch on all major American e-commerce sites which, in turn, triggered a terrorist plot to sabotage undersea fiber optic cables I would have heard about it by now? Why don’t you just quit giving me the runaround and answer my question?

A tower got struck by lightning and your repair guy is hung over? Well thanks for telling me the truth, I guess. Who the heck gets drunk on Thanksgiving anyway?

Whatever. The point is, what am I supposed to do, Darla? I don’t own a laptop or anything mobile. And I can’t use any of my friends’ connection since that nasty game of League of Legends.

Go to a what?

The mall? Like… that big place twenty minutes away that expects me to walk from store to store and wait in lines and stuff? Do people even still do that?

They’ve been camping out since last night? Don’t they know you can just hit the refresh button at midnight?

Oh, right. I forgot stores had doors and employees and stuff. Well I guess I’m off to wait in line at this mall place.

Yes, Darla, there is something else you can do for me today. Pray, Darla. Pray for my safe return.

ΒΆ Left the House at SPLITREASON