“I should never have played God! Oh, I’ve been a fool! A fool, I tell you!”

“Aw cheer up, Professor Honeydew! Now’s not the time for theatrics… dress rehearsal was an hour ago! Wocka wocka!”

[Laugh track]

“While your contemptible efforts to liven the mood are always appreciated, Fozzie, I must ask that you now assist me in reinforcing this door.”

“Looks like you’re in luck, professor!”

“Really? Why’s that?”

“Because I’m smarter than the average barricade! Wocka wocka! Get it? Bear-icade?”

[Laugh track]

“I must insist you hurry, Fozzie. The undead version of my late lab assistant has no doubt turned a great many (if not all) of our co-workers into mindless felt-eating zombies!”

“Sounds like the show’s got a new executive board! Wocka wocka!”

[Laugh track]

“Fozzie! They’re breaking through!”

“I guess you really gotta admire their dead-ication! Wocka wocka!”

[Laugh track]

[Sigh] “Why couldn’t I have been trapped with Sweetums? Or even Swedish Chef? At least he knew how to use knives!”

“I think you would have been better off with Gonzo. If he hadn’t been one of the first to go down, I would have suggested using his stunt cannon on them.”

“Wait a minute. Fozzie, who’s dressing room are we in?”

“Hmm. I may be going out on a limb here, but from the looks of it I’d say Crazy Harry. There’re more bombs in here than Terry Gilliam’s resum√©!”

[Laugh track]

“Then light them, Fozzie!”

[Gulp] “All of them?”

“That’s right, Fozzie. If we’re to be killed this night then we might as well take them all with us!”

“I guess this is it, Professor Honeydew.”

“Fozzie, it’s time to play the music.”

“It’s time to light the lights.”

“It’s time to torch these bastards on the Muppet Show tonight!”

¶ Night of the Meeps at Tshirtbordello