“You’re joking, right?”

“Just hear me out, okay?”

“Oh, God. You’re not.”

“This is not that big of a deal, Link.”

“Not a big deal? This concept art shows me riding a hoverbike.”

“The Epona-class rocket cycle. See, it’s not that—”

“A magical jetpack with a fairy-propelled grenade launcher?”

“With upgradable grappling hooks. Don’t worry. The Master Sword will still be around… only it’s made of lasers now.”

“Is this a picture of Hyrule? It looks like a bastardized Blade Runner set.”

“That’s nothing. You should see what they’re working on for Ganondorf. Two words, Link: zombie cyborg.”

“I’m sorry, Shigeru. This just isn’t the same game any more.”

“That’s exactly my point! With every new Zelda installment, we’ve either redesigned or reimagined each iconic weapon and item. We’ve given every article of your inventory an intricate backstory, some as a basis for an entire plot. I didn’t hear you complaining when we did that thing with your hat being a bird or whatever. Which game was that again?”

“Look, I respect what you’re trying to do. Really I do. I just don’t think this is the answer.”

“Of course it is. Look at every comic book series, every episodic fantasy. After each insubstantial detail of the story’s history and mythology is exploited bit by bit through prequels, it’s time for either a futuristic reboot or a transdimensional parallel universe. It’s inevitable.”

“Maybe for Spider-Man. But we’ve kept from whoring out for this long. Why can’t you just write the next part of the story?”

“I’m afraid I don’t follow you, Link”

“Bring in a new threat for me. Change the gameplay mechanics. Or— here’s a thought— kill someone off for good.”

“Well I can’t get rid of Ganondorf. We’ve already renewed his contract.”

“Then get rid of something the gamers are used to and see how the game progresses without it. Like the Master Sword.”

“By jove, I think you’ve got something there. Something genuinely original.”

“You think so?”

“It’s genius. We can see how Link fares against the forces of evil without a magical sword of untold power.”


“Force him to use his wits.”

“I like it. I like it.”

“Maybe even have Zelda come to the rescue for once.”

“Now we’re talking.”

“And then at the last second, you reforge the sword, somehow making it stronger, and fulfill some kind of ambiguous prophecy with it!”

“You haven’t heard a word I said, have you?”

“Release it bundled with a new Wii remote attachment? Great idea!”

Game of Swords at Tshirtbordello