Y’know, my mother always told me, “Son, now don’t you go settlin’ for second best. Second best is fer nobodies and ne’er-do-wells.” And I never did. Hi, this here’s Jayne Cobb. And after a long day of thrilling heroics, you know I ain’t reaching for no ruttin’ second best brew.

Go-se in, go-se out,” I always say. So when I needs me a good old-fashioned bender, (or just a well-rounded meal), I reach for the best: Canton’s own Mudders Milk™. Now, anyone this side of the Alliance knows it’s the closest thing to a Thanksgivin’ dinner in a bottle. But did you know they got differin’ varieties now? Sounds more like Christmas to me!

They’re chock fulla the same fifteen percent alcohol—just like the original recipe. But now, from the makers of Mudders Milk™, there’s new high-performance Mudderade™. This ain’t yer daddy’s Milk. It’s got twice the protein of a horse steak with a hefty dose of caffeine and electrolytes to boot. It’ll give you one helluva buzz, plus enough energy to remember th’whole ordeal. It’s a designated pilot’s best friend.

Do y’love Mudders Milk™ but hate all them pesky calories and whatnot? Well now you can have your active lifestyle and drink it too! Don’t get love handles—get new I Can’t Believe It’s Not Mudder™. Half the calories, half the carbs, (and half the taste, in my ‘pinion). Great for drinkin’ contests or just for the Mudder on the go.

And for you mamby-pamby Mudders what can’t hold your lactose, here comes new Mudders Silk™. Hard on your kidneys, gentle on your guts. It’s made with all-natural soybean extract and fortified with vitamin D. So even Grandma can load up without gettin’ cleaned out. And let me tell ya folks, your little ones won’t know the difference!

With all this selection, there’s a Mudders Milk™ for everyone! And Mudders Milk™ is approved by the Federal Comission of Jayne Cobb, so ya know it’s good. Don’t be fooled by imitators. If it don’t got my dashing likeness on it, you can bet it’s pure gou-shi.

Canton slaves of sterner ilk all start their day with Mudders Milk™ ♫

Mudders Milk™: Shut the hell up and drink it!

Mudders Milk at Tshirtbordello