Hello there, folks. My name is David and I will be your guide today. If anyone needs a phonics converter, there are some by the information booth. If you’re visiting from off-world you’ll probably want one because, as a friend of mine likes to say, I only speak two languages: English and bad English. Okay, so has anyone toured the Mondoshawan Brewery before?

Okay, I’m seeing a few hands. That’s terrific. For those who don’t already know, this refinery was built in 2224 to commemorate the ten year anniversary of Earth’s victory over the Great Evil. Having been a former apprentice Keeper of Light myself, let me just say that I couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate. Yes, you there in front?

An excellent question, young lady. It’s true the Keepers of Light used to adhere to a strict code of sobriety. But that was, of course, before their universal mission was fulfilled through the heroic actions of Special Forces Major Korben Dallas and his wife, Leeloo Minaï Lekarariba-Lamina-Tchaï Ekbat De Sebat-Dallas. And here’s a fun fact: Mrs. De Sebat-Dallas actually posed for the artwork you see on the Mondoshawan label.

Yep, that’s her all right. She visits from time to time. But let’s get back to the tour, shall we? Nowadays, the Keepers of Light utilize their vast understanding of the cosmos to craft quality micro-brewed beer. If you’ll take a look through this window, you can see dozens of Mondoshawan priests combining a variety of elements to brew my favorite drink — Korben Bräu. Can anyone tell me the ingredients they’re using down there?

I heard barley, that’s correct. Hops, uh-huh. Did someone say malt? Very good. Yeast, excellent. Any more? We’re missing the big fifth element of brewing. Give up? The secret ingredient for any fine alcoholic beverage is… love. Yep, just ordinary love. Yes, you have a question?

Well of course we use water, sir. It couldn’t be called a beverage without it. But I’d hardly list water as a major element of brewing. It’s the love and passion for what we do that really sets the Mondoshawan standard of excellence. Yes?

No, I don’t believe that’s being contrived or copping out. A lot of our competitors have tried to emulate the exact quantity of love that we proudly brew in every batch. In fact, we’re currently working on a new kind of beer made with one hundred and two percent more love. It’s called Deus Ex Maibock.

Well I can’t tell you how we get the love in there. But rest assured that the love’s nutritional values are listed on every can and that it has nothing to do with adding bits of genetically engineered supreme being. All right, enough chit-chat. Who’s ready to sample some Mangalore Meister?

5 Elements Amber Ale at Tshirtbordello