Ah, would you look at that – more pesky kids! I tell ya, it’s always something around here. Hey you, brats! Get outta here!

You see? Nobody listens to me. Not without a smelly hippie chained around me anyways. Thank God that fad’s over.

You know, it’s times like these I really wish I had apples. Couple lumps on their noggins would get my point across. I got a buddy over in Oz who makes good use of his. ‘Course then you gotta deal with deer and worms and whatnot. Like I said, it’s always something. Besides, you give ‘em one apple and they’ll pick you clean.

Take this fella I know over in the next field. The little snot next door constantly badgers him for this and that. Poor guy’s not getting any sleep. I tell him, I say, “Look – you keep giving and giving and pretty soon you’ll be nothing but a stump!” But does he listen? Nope. Got a real soft spot for needy kids. Nothing a father figure and a good old-fashioned spanking can’t cure, I say.

Yessir – a perennial’s really gotta look out for his own bark these days. Even local celebrities aren’t safe. I hear those limey industrialists across the pond were thinking of finally uprooting Major Oak to make way for a car park. Hmph! I say it’s high time we “chop down” a few Merry Men, you follow me?

That’s why I’m pledging this great new gang. They call themselves the Sons of Arboriculture. Catchy, huh? It’s headed by this hardcore guy from the Old Forest. I hear he’s eaten a few people! He’s a bit of an Old Man but you gotta admit the guy’s got some big acorns. He’s already recruited this real rough-and-tumble sort of guy from Hogwarts. Likes to whomp on people for fun. Great sort of folks to have on your side in a fight, let me tell you.

But if that doesn’t work out, I’ll probably get back into the family business. Nothing too exciting but it’s got pretty good benefits. Dispense some knowledge of good and evil here and there, nice looking fruit, 24/7 flaming sword protection. And the view? To die for. ‘Course every five minutes you got a snake trying to talk you into eating your own fruit. Just like my dad always used to say: “It’s always something.”

I guess the apple never falls far from the tree.

I’m A Big Tree at Uneetee