The-Eastwood

Good evening and welcome to the sixth annual Jack Palance Awards! Get ready for a star-studded evening of no-nonsense entertainment as we look back on the lives and careers of some of Hollywood’s most grizzled and world-weary actors!

♫ Classy theme song ♫

Tonight, you’ll be treated to spectacular dancing from the Palance High Steppers, the comedy stylings of Danny Trejo, and a special appearance from Oscar the Grouch! And now, ladies and gentlemen, please help me in welcoming your host—Harrison Ford!

[Applause]

“Thank you. Thank you. All right, enough already. Geez, don’t you people have anything better to do on a Sunday night?”

[Audience laughter]

“So they tell me I’m supposed to stand up here and yack at you for a while. But after nearly fifty years in the film industry—”

[A single audience member begins clapping and hooting wildly. Ford nonchalantly pulls out a handgun and shoots him]

“—I’m through with mindless pleasantries. So why don’t we all just shut up and get this over with, huh? All right, let’s see here.”

[Ford, clearly irritated, begins discarding cue cards from a stack on his podium]

“Crap. Crap. Filler. Crap. Here we go! The nominees for ‘Most Grizzled Actor in a Leading Role’ are: Jeff Bridges for his performance in The Fischer King 2: The Red Knight Strikes Back.”

[Applause]

[Camera pans to Bridges, who smiles and waves politely]

“Clint Eastwood for his performance in Unforgiven 2: The Legend of Little Bill’s Gold.”

[Applause]

[Camera pans to a scowling Eastwood, who shrugs and crosses his arms]

“And Robert Duvall for his performance in Gods and Generals 2: Secede Harder.”

[Applause]

[Camera pans to Duvall, who is asleep on Luciana Pedraza’s shoulder]

“And the ‘Palancey’ goes to—”

[Ford fumbles with the envelope]

“Aw screw it. Clint, get up here. You won.”

[Applause]

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[Eastwood rolls his eyes and slowly begins to rise from his seat. After indignantly swatting away several attempts at assistance, Eastwood shambles onto the stage and takes the mic]

“Hrm. Guess I should’a known—they sat me in the front row.”

[Audience laughter]

“I can’t remember how many times I’ve stood in front of you Hollywood clowns and pretended to appreciate whatever new awards you come up with. Truth is, I’m as awesome as I am because I keep my work and personal life as far from Hollywood’s influence as possible. So thanks. Now let me get back to work.”

[Smattering of applause]

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[Ford reclaims the mic]

“Nice one, Clint. All right show’s over, folks. Drive safe. Or don’t. I don’t really care. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to single-handedly rescue some hikers in my private helicopter.”

♫ Classy theme song ♫

We hope you’ve enjoyed the sixth annual Jack Palance Awards, sponsored by Fixodent™! Stay tuned for Extreme Makeover: Hospice Edition!

The Eastwood at Uneetee