You’ve reached the office of Dr. Gerald Simmons, P.H.D. in Reconstructive Ectoplasty. I am currently out of the office. Please leave your earth-bound name and position in this mortal coil after the beep and I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a transcendent day.


Hi, Dr. Simmons. It’s Charlie. I’m having a bit of a crisis here. I… I just don’t think this is working out for me. Don’t get me wrong, you did an amazing job. Believe me, I look great. It’s just… well, I’m having second thoughts now.

At first it was great to see myself as I was before the accident. I thought I could… you know, relive my glory days (no pun intended). But going into this procedure, I wasn’t aware I would look exactly as I had the moment I died. I mean, wow. No wonder all those teenagers snooping around my house had heart attacks. I actually feel kind of sorry for them.

You’ve got to understand, doc. I only signed up for your program because I love being dead so much. The hauntings, the passing through walls, not having to eat or go to the bathroom all the time. The whole experience has been really rewarding for me. And I thought reflecting light was a way I could take it to the next level. But now that people can actually see me, I think a lot of the passion has gone out of it.

That ghost hunter show called and cancelled their lockdown next week. And psychic mediums won’t work with me anymore. I’m still not used to floating past windows and mirrors. It’s embarrassing, really. Who makes a face this repulsive from choking to death on a thimble, huh? Oh, and I’ve been experiencing some weird side effects. Is it normal to have trouble around vacuum cleaners and fans after becoming corporeal?

Well I don’t want to yack your ear off. I’m sure you’re really busy. So, umm… yeah, nothing personal but I’d really like to talk about reversing this whole thing. Please give me a call at the old creepy mansion on the hill. That number is—


Voicemail full.

Aw, spook me.

Self Scare at Uneetee